Written 4th February 2021
Gloom-filled dreams engulf
I wake up with a heavy heart
Chaotic feelings, loss and guilt
Flying off the chart
The entire world is flooded
Murky water everywhere
Completely overwhelmed
Anxious, feeling scared
I take my little sister
Out for a morning swim
Seriously, why did I even
Encourage her to climb on in
Giggling and playing
Like silly little clowns
An invisible force grabs hold of her
Sucking her right down
I tried to grip her hand
I’m doing my very best
She slips oh so silently
From my clutch with no protest
Scene change: I’m now running
Looking for my mum
We had a horrible screaming match
But she too
It seem
Has gone.
The feeling of her death
Hits me in my soul
Devastating grief
I still feel the massive hole
Now I’m searching for my grandparents
Desperately looking for their home
I find an abandoned house
I feel lost
I feel so alone
It frustrates me endlessly
That my morbid dreams don’t improve
Many of them are chasms
From my waking life removed
My days are usually happy
Filled with so much joy
I love my life, I love my path
But at night I live in Troy
So every morning I sit
I eke the darkness out
I simply make the space
For the angst and crushing doubt
I believe humans carry
More pain than we truly know
But when it’s stuck in our subconscious
How do we let it go?
A world that encourages us
To numb out so very much
Drugs
Cigarettes
Alcohol
All become our comfy crutch
Or we hook into social media
Watching others’ lives
Filling our heads repeatedly
With that toxic fallacious lie
That others have the answers
They’ve got things figured out
When most of us are flailing
Struggling with self-doubt
Feelings of utter loneliness
Are as universal as they come
But we block them out frantically
With all we need to get done
It takes courage to find the time
To just sit and let things be
To acknowledge the pain
Not run from the shame.
Some things in life we can’t flee
So, I’m proud of myself for making
Time to simply sit
Creating a quiet space
For all the mental shit
By the time I’m finished knitting
Words into random rhymes
I feel calmer
Happier
More centred
Every single time.
Credits