(Approximate reading time: 6 min)
It’s been interesting to look back through the years at how many flatmates and friends I attracted into my life who had difficult, painful relationships with their mothers. Some of the stories I have heard have been absolutely heartbreaking but the underlying feelings and emotions are always the same.
I wrote this poem after one of my flatmates, who had a particularly toxic relationship with her mother, came into my room sobbing because she needed to move.
She had literally only moved in with us a couple of months previously, and she had appeared, on the surface, to be very happy and settled.
I must admit, as I sat listening to all her fears and anxieties come pouring out, I was a little surprised by how much she had been keeping to herself.
How she was so desperately unhappy in London.
How she needed to go live in the countryside, far away from the city.
How she needed to escape London before a permanent police-enforced lockdown was imposed.
(A completely illogical fear, however, COVID brought out a lot of latent angst and worry in people.)
How she felt anxious all the time.
How she didn’t feel safe!
How she would NEVER be able to feel safe in London….
As all this panic and trepidation erupted out of this normally stoic and ‘put-together’ girl, I couldn’t help think
but….
It doesn’t matter where you move, you are going to take all of this shit with you.
God knows I have spent most of my life trying to outrun it.
In the last 23 years, I have moved from
South Africa to London
from London back to South Africa
from South Africa back to London again……
“Change is as good as a holiday!”
It absolutely is!
My amazing first 6 months back in London in 2019 is conclusive proof!!
I was happy, gregarious and living my best-extroverted life filled with oodles of HOPE!!!
I will be the first to shout it from the rooftops:
“New beginnings are always amazing!!!”
…..but then,
after a while, like every good love affair, the honeymoon period wears off.
Suddenly you find yourself
on another continent,
in another city,
in another house
with the very same
All those fears and anxieties you had didn’t disappear; they just went on holiday for a while.
They decided to give you a little taste of what life could actually feel like once you do actually start to heal….
BUT now they are back!
Knocking on your heart door with a vengeance,
Demanding that you finally start seeing them, because they are not going to go away until they have completed their job, which is ultimately to make sure you start the healing process!!
So as I sat there listening to my flatmate’s tail spinning, adamant that a home in the countryside was all she needed to feel safe and happy, all she needed to stop this dreaded anxiety….
I felt completely and utterly powerless to help her.
The frustrating thing about life is that as much as you would love to spare people the agony of learning their own lessons, it quite simply doesn’t work that way. No amount of me telling her that she needed to deal with her pain was going to make her stay. I will admit that didn’t stop me from trying to gently point this out to her, but she heard nothing….in her mind
‘lots of green grass and country living’
was going to be
the magical
fix-all!
So I just ‘wrote-it-out’ in a poem.
Looking back at the poem now, it is probably a little bit autobiographical as well:-)
But
maybe it’s simply for every girl who is
tired of running
and of never quite feeling
enough….
Written 2 February 2021
Young Girl
Young girl leaving
To be on her own
Wanting to be brave
But feeling so alone
Travelling the world
Always moving on
Never feeling able
To write her own song
A heart full of gold
Her intentions always good
But why is it she always
So misunderstood
People can be cruel
People can be unkind.
Nice to your face
But stab you from behind
Or they love and adore you
Raise you up high
But if you find your own voice
They will call it a lie
You’ve carried your broken heart
For so very long
Never feeling peaceful
Or like you belong
Finding serenity
Feels so fucking hard
You can never shake the feeling,
That your soul
has been marred
But when you start to understand
The reasons why
When you start finding compassion
You unearth the lie.
You are never broken
Or fundamentally fucked,
Nor did you just
Have all bad luck!
You learnt as a young child
How to value yourself
What treatment to accept
And how not to repel.
What feels like home
Becomes your norm.
You allow bad behaviour;
You tolerate the storm
You never learnt that you simply
Do have the choice
To choose healthy friends
To use your own voice
So unwittingly you sadly
Let the poison in
For a little too long
You felt tainted by sin
You have no radar to filter
Out all the unhealthiness.
Your unlearnt boundaries
Created this mess.
It takes time and patience
To love your soul
To know you’re enough
And to finally feel whole
When you know your own value
You will learn to say no
And start to identify damaged souls
Who won’t help you grow
You will find your true tribe
People who understand
Who’ll be loving and supportive
Players in your own band
You will be able to settle
You will find yourself at home
You will know in your heart
You are never alone.
Credit
Beach Photoby Walkerssk https://pixabay.com/photos/beach-sea-panorama-panoramic-1824855/