(Approximate reading time: 6 min)
It’s been interesting to look back through the years at how many flatmates and friends I attracted into my life who had difficult, painful relationships with their mothers. Some of the stories I have heard have been absolutely heartbreaking but the underlying feelings and emotions are always the same.
I wrote this poem after one of my flatmates, who had a particularly toxic relationship with her mother, came into my room sobbing because she needed to move.
She had literally only moved in with us a couple of months previously and she had appeared, on the surface, to be very happy and settled.
I must admit as I sat listening to all her fears and anxieties come pouring out I was a little surprised by how much she had been keeping to herself.
How she was so desperately unhappy in London.
How she needed to go live in the countryside, far away from the city.
How she needed to escape London before a permanent police-enforced lockdown was imposed.
(A completely illogical fear, however, covid brought out a lot of latent angst and worry in people.)
How she felt anxious all the time.
How she didn’t feel safe!
How she would NEVER be able to feel safe in London….
As all this panic and trepidation erupted out of this normally stoic and ‘put-together’ girl I couldn’t help think
but….
It doesn’t matter where you move, you are going to take all of this shit with you.
God knows I have spent most of my life trying to outrun it.
In the last 23 years, I have moved from
South Africa to London
from London back to South Africa
from South Africa back to London again……
“Change is as good as a holiday!”
It absolutely is!
My amazing first 6 months back in London in 2019 is conclusive proof!!
I was happy, gregarious and living my best-extroverted life filled with oodles of HOPE!!!
I will be the first to shout it from the rooftops:
“New beginnings are always amazing!!!”
…..but then,
after a while, like every good love affair, the honeymoon period wears off.
Suddenly you find yourself
on another continent,
in another city,
in another house
with the very same
All those fear and anxieties you had, didn’t disappear, they just went on holiday for a while.
They decided to give you a little taste of what life could actually feel like once you do actually start to heal….
BUT now they are back!
Knocking on your heart door with a vengeance,
Demanding that you finally start seeing them, because they are not going to go away until they have completed their job which is ultimately to make sure you start the healing process!!
So as I sat there listening to my flatmate’s tail spinning, adamant that a home in the countryside was all she needed to feel safe and happy, all she needed to stop this dreaded anxiety….
I felt completely and utterly powerless to help her.
The frustrating thing about life is as much as you would love to spare people the agony of learning their own lessons, it quite simply doesn’t work that way. No amount of me telling her that she needed to deal with her pain was going to make her stay. I will admit that didn’t stop me from trying to gently point this out to her but she heard nothing….in her mind
‘lots of green grass and country living’
was going to be
the magical
fix-all!
So I just ‘wrote-it-out’ in a poem.
Looking back at the poem now, it is probably a little bit autobiographical as well:-)
But
maybe it’s simply for every girl who is
tired of running
and of never quite feeling
enough….
Written 2 February 2021
Young Girl
Young girl leaving, to be on her own
wanting to be brave but feeling so alone.
Travelling the world always moving on
never feeling able to write her own song.
A heart full of gold, her intentions always good
but why is it she always so misunderstood?
People can be cruel and so very unkind.
Nice to your face but stab you from behind.
Or they can love and adore you raise you up high.
but if you find your own voice they will call it a lie.
A broken heart you have carried for so very long,
never feeling peaceful or like you belong.
Finding serenity feels so fucking hard.
You can never shake the feeling,
that your soul has been marred!
But when you start to understand the reasons why,
when you start finding compassion, you un-earth the lie.
You are never broken, or fundamentally fucked,
nor did you ever just have all bad luck!
You learnt as a young child how to value yourself.
What treatment to accept and how not to repel.
What feels like home, becomes your norm.
You allow bad behaviour; you tolerate the storm.
You never learnt that you simply do have the choice,
to choose healthy friends and use your own voice.
So unwittingly you sadly let the poison in,
For a little too long, you feel tainted by sin.
You have no radar to filter out unhealthiness.
Your unlearnt boundaries created this mess.
It takes time and patience to love your soul.
To know you’re enough and to finally feel whole.
When you know your own value, you will learn to say no
and start to identify damaged souls that won’t help you grow.
You will find your true tribe, people who understand.
Who’ll be loving and supportive players in your own band.
You will be able to settle You will find yourself at home.
you will know in your heart,
you are never alone.
Credit
Beach Photoby Walkerssk https://pixabay.com/photos/beach-sea-panorama-panoramic-1824855/