Approximate reading time: 6 minutes
Written the 17 April 2021
Last night’s dream was more gruesome
than I’d like to admit
I don’t really want to write…
it feels pretty shit
But my poetry was started
from analysing my dreams
somehow journaling them brings clarity
(well so it seems)
An ex-friend
someone I used to know
was being attacked by my ex-boyfriend
from years ago
(He was never violent with me
I just have to say)
Such a random dream
to try and explain
Except now they were dating
I was just watching his abuse
I was trying to pull him off her
but it was simply no use
I was constantly on the phone
calling 9 1 1
this frantic feeling
“Someone has to come!”
What unnerved me the most
the malevolent grin on her face
If she even felt upset
then I couldn’t find a trace
When the police finally came
her boyfriend was killed
I was sitting with her
all the blood left me chilled
Her parents arrived home
I was so fucking relieved
I ran out to meet them
and was horrified to see….
The same abusive boyfriend
(He was alive again)
he started attacking us all
not just my friend
So, the cycle continued
“Quick call 911!”
He’s killed yet again
we’re then back where we begun…
Like a cat with 9 lives
he kept coming back
This overwhelming feeling
of powerless and lack
No way to stop him
To make him go away
Feeling hunted, scared
as helpless as prey
And then suddenly
at the dream’s pinnacle end
I watched in wonder
as my dearest ex-friend
disappeared from sight
she had a superpower
(Why the fuck didn’t she use it
at an earlier hour?)
*********
I’m fascinated by dreams states
what goes on in our brains
I’ve analysed my dream
so I’ll try to explain
(Just to name my source
before I go on
Dr Stickgold from Harvard
would be the one)
Adults have 3-5 R E M cycles
of sleep per night
(roughly 90 minutes
if your 7-8 hour sleep pattern is right)
This REM stage
is where our dreams will occur
Our dreams have a function
they aren’t simply absurd
The emotional brain in REM sleep
is heightened and cranked up
While the logic and reason part
is quite simply shut
This explains why our dreams
feel so incredibly real
We are unable to rationalise
that they’re not a true ordeal
Our dreams take elements
of what’s occurring in our day
Then weaves it into a story
to help us explain…
What’s happening
what emotions run through our head
Our brain processes new information
while we lie in bed
Creating elaborate stories
integrating memories from long ago
memories that connect
with the new feelings on show
It’s almost like our brain is trying to summarise
To help us understand the gist
the implication for our lives…
*******
So, my anxiety has been
almost unbearable this week
I’ve been crying so much
at times I couldn’t speak
I have struggled to find ways
to regulate my tears
While so blatantly aware
of my underlying fears
Just too many cases
of having to let complete strangers in
I am absolutely petrified
of being hurt again
Trying to find an EMDR therapist
(I have spoken to 4….)
feeling so triggered
I want to run for the door
Simultaneously interviewing flatmates
for our empty room
every person that comes
seems to fill me with more gloom
And I don’t want to open up emotionally
and share personal things in CI
I want to quit the course
I’m not going to lie
Sirens continually screech in my head
“Can you trust this person?
NO!”
And hence my anxiety is fed
When it comes to trusting people
I’ve made bad decisions in the past
my ability to trust my judgment
has been left a little aghast
So did my brain take that fear
and turn it into a thriller?
Emotional pain becomes my abusive killer
The reason it was stuck on groundhog day
I’ve relived this pattern
more times than I can say
I physically can’t go there anymore……
It’s like those thousands of tiny cuts
dripping blood on the floor
My friend’s superpower
being able to disappear
was obvious and so abundantly clear
After 20 years of friendship
I was suddenly dropped
All communication with her
was completely stopped
She ignored my messages
not a single reply
To any of my attempts
to reach out and ask why
It often feels like we
are prepared somehow growing up
That break ups with boyfriend’s
can be very tough
But losing close friends
is rarely talked about
The pain and confusion
often just leaves you with doubt
And I go round in these circles
trying to ascertain
What about me attracts this
again and again
I feel like my mind loops
100 times a day
I don’t know how to stop it
how to wash it all away
My adult head understands this
is just part of life
people are complicated
we don’t always get a why
But still in this state
I feel haunted and obsessed
Fuck it sometimes
my mind’s just a mess
How do you trust that others
won’t just pick up and walk away?
I’m embarrassed it’s happened
more times than I can say
********
So there you go ….
my dream analysis is finally done
although I am pretty sure you wish
it had never begun…
But the good news
I found an EMDR therapist
One less thing my overwhelmed mind
will have to address
He was calm, he was kind
He was seasoned and mature
I felt good talking to him
I felt reassured
*********
So, I am living my life
on the wings of a dream
I have more hope in my heart
that at times it may seem
This is simply a stage
I need to get through
Letting go of relational trauma
is not easy to do