Approximate reading time: 9min

So, I declared to my therapist, rather determinedly, last week that I wasn’t going to take on any more dog-sitting jobs that were longer than a couple of days.

(10 days is just too long!)

It was an epiphany moment of self-love and genuine self-care I tell you!

My reasons were rock solid

Perfectly valid reason # 1:

I have scoliosis which often leads to quite a lot of back pain if I’m not sleeping on a firm mattress.

I have a lovely firm foam mattress at home.

I love my mattress and my back loves my mattress.

Perfectly valid reason # 2:

I am tidy, neat and organised.

(At home)

(mmm most of the time;-)

I like being tidy, neat and organised.

For some reason when I leave my home,

I turn into the messiest person in the world.

(What’s up with that ??)

I don’t do dishes

I never make my bed

My clothes fall off me and remain on the floor for the duration of my stay

It’s truly atrocious I tell you.

Perfectly valid reason # 3:

When I am away from home, I stop doing my back exercises

(I don’t have my yoga mat)

I stop taking all multivitamins

(I couldn’t be bothered)

and I usually stop meditating

(I walk dogs instead)

So I basically stop doing every single piece of self-care that helps keeps me sane.

Perfectly valid reason # 4:

Dam, it’s annoying staying in other people’s houses sometimes.

Like not being able to figure out how to get hot water in the shower?

(Since when has trying to get hot water turned into an IQ test?)

Or figuring out how to get the stove to work.

Or continually stubbing your toe on that fucking stupid step.

(Who in their right mind puts a step there?)

Or constantly hitting your head on that low-hanging midget-like cupboard!

Or just never plain having anything that you need…

(‘Cause you didn’t quite plan to need THAT THING during THIS stay)

Perfectly valid reason # 5:

Pictures, pictures and more pictures.

Most people’s houses are strewn with pictures.

Wedding pictures, baby pictures, and holiday pictures all consisting of happy, smiling families which if I am being completely honest can be a little bit triggering at times.

All of a sudden, I find I am stuck having to babysit my inner child Lola who comes out of hiding and wants to throw a rather tragic pity party for one.

As much as I love the dogs I came to the conclusion last week that I am definitely much happier, calmer and centred AT home.

I am my best self when I am AT home….

and that is where I was going to stay.

AT Home

So, while informing my therapist about my new profound insight he smiled,

THAT smile…

that to the untrained bystander could be construed as him agreeing with me….

but frankly, I know better.

Loosely translated it means:

“Mmmm we will see”

(He knows me too well.)

‘Cause I change my mind about as regularly as I change my socks.

(Which I might add, he never judges me for)

He realises that I have turned this processing thing into an art form and sometimes that means taking several attempts to sort things out in my head.

*********

So today and yesterday have been amazing.

I have been sleeping on my lovely firm FOAM mattress

I have been waking up and journalling

meditating doing my exercises…..

I have a perma-smile stuck on my face and I feel a little like a queen.

Happy, calm and centred again!

Wooooohooooooo!!!!

(See PROOF that I just need to stay at home!)

But then I found myself thinking….

Would I be able to appreciate this calm happy space of mine if I hadn’t just spent ten days missing it?

And ……just imagine how cool it would be if I could train myself to be my best self in OTHER people’s houses!

(Wouldn’t that be something!)

Imagine if I could learn to maintain my self-care no matter where I was.

If I could start cleaning up after myself…

not because I have flatmates who I need to be respectful off

but because I want to be respectful of myself and because I know I’m happier when I am clean, tidy and organised.

Mmmm….and perhaps my back might not be so painful sleeping on those cushy marshmallow mattresses

if I actually just did the stupid exercises!

(There’s a mindblowing thought)

And yes, admittedly it does get a bit tiresome always having to care for and love my inner child Lola and remind her

(on a daily basis)

that she is loveable despite not having her own family to fill a wall with.

But I kind of manage to do it…..

(a HELL of a lot better than I have ever been able to do it in the past)

These days Lola’s drama is minimal,

I can handle her.

(So that’s a good thing, right?)

So I’m mulling all this over wondering if just maybe I was a little hasty in my declaration last week…

Perhaps dealing with all these changes on a short-term basis might actually be beneficial to me….make me a little stronger and desensitize me a little to the overwhelm?

Mid-pondering,

I got a text message asking me to do a dog-sitting job for 10 days next month.

The universe has spoken!;-)

I’m up for the challenge.

******************

Written 11 April – 13th April 2021

I woke up last night

from some random weird dream

I was switching husbands

with a friend, it seems

No one I know!

(I am happy to report)

And just for the record

 I’m not the swinger sort

Then I lay there, unable

to get back to sleep

Perhaps YouTube would be more productive

than counting stupid sheep?

As I opened it up and scrolled

 through my feeds

I saw a Ted Talk on being an HSP

The ‘Highly Sensitive Person’

is an amazing book

written by Elaine Aaron

it takes a look….

at how being highly sensitive

is a biological trait

it’s not simply

a neurotic state

I read this book

a good couple of years ago

It helped me a lot

in my quest to grow

So, I decided to watch the video

(Understanding The Highly Sensitive Person | Alane Freund @ https://youtu.be/2tKDnsns2bg)

 I mean I could always learn more

Because let’s face it

 I’m highly sensitive, definitely, for sure

I have been told more times

than I can ever recall

“Oh, you’re too sensitive!”

“Grow a tougher emotional wall”

This talk was by Aaron’s colleague

A woman called Elaine Freund

It’s an amazing video

That I would highly recommend

It’s fascinating really

I love this kind of stuff

so, bear with me now

 as I explain it in rough

The evolution began

 in hunter-gatherer times

two types of people

 in this world she defines

Dandelions and Orchids

is the analogy used

to decipher the differences

between these distinct two

The concept she got from

Dr Thomas Boyce’s book

(His near 40 years of research

on what affects a child’s outlook)

80% of mankind

defined as Dandelions

Resilient and eager

to jump in each time

Little fear of simply

giving things a go

If they make a mistake

minimal embarrassment shows

Like the buoyant Dandelion flower

 which grows strong and hardy

 these types flourish and thrive

wherever they may be

In times long ago

they were the brave hunters of our food

They are significantly less triggered

 by stress, and other’s moods

20% of humans make up the Orchids

worldwide

that’s more than 1.6 billion

(to give you a rough guide)

Like the delicate flower

after which they are named

they are sensitive

need lots of nurturance

and are more easily maimed

A more finely tuned nervous system

that processes things deeply

The scientific name is

“Sensory processing Sensitivity.

Orchids are innately born

with a more reactive brain

Being overly stimulated

can leave them feeling a little insane

HSP experience

a greater depth when processing

(So basically those people

who overthink EVERYTHING!)

They are more hesitant and reflective

as their thoughts over churn:

“You’ll only get one chance

so don’t crash and burn!”

Their nervous system doesn’t filter

external stimuli quite the same

which can leave them overstimulated

with emotions aflame

Often when there’s too much

information coming through

they can experience a sensory shutdown

 (Oh my God that’s so true!)

I’ve always hated festivals

 large groups of people in excess

I think I used alcohol

for years to simply suppress…

the anxiety and the feeling

 of being out of control

feeling so ungrounded

as overwhelmed takes its toll

Last year was a perfect case in point

I went to the Notinghill Festival joint

I walked for an hour

I couldn’t find my friends

the noise was unbearable

I just wanted it to end

There were so many people

 I just burst into tears

I felt like someone

was murdering my ears

I honestly felt like

I was having a panic attack…

(Why would people EVER

voluntarily go back?)

But then I found my friends

I down as much alcohol as I could

(My determined:

 ” I don’t drink!” never withstood)

Within the hour I was drunk

ecstatic and free

none of the noise

even bothered me

I loved the crowds

I enjoyed every bit

I wasn’t drowning

in my dramatic

overstimulated shit

I remember thinking:

“If only I could stay drunk my whole life

I’d numb all these emotions

 that are rampantly rife”

And then that got me thinking

About my clubbing days

How the journey there

was always a sullen haze

 I felt sorry for my friends

and I’d often reassure

“I’ll be happy once I get there!”

(Alcohol was my cure)

 I look back now at the internal dread

 I used to feel

walking into those places

never felt real

 I felt so drowned out 

overwhelmed by everything….

Of course, that was until

I downed my first gin….

But it dawned on me

that my very own existentialism

was being impeded by this

automatic coping mechanism

I didn’t want to live my life

drowning out parts of me

I didn’t want to rely on alcohol

to simply feel ‘happy’

Elaine spoke about how HSP’s

register in their brain

other people’s emotions

 of joy and pain

This makes them empathetic

and highly in tuned

 But can also lead to overstimulation

and feelings of doom

(Oh, fuck you don’t say

That doesn’t sound like me at all

I’m such a happy positive person

all the time

I’m sure)

She explains how our tendency

to overshare everything going on

Often leads to the perception

that we’re always focusing on what’s wrong

(OMG

so you see

a scientific reason exists

To explain why I’m

exactly like this!)

Now that I understand

myself a little more

I have more HSP research

 to go and explore

So, thank you universe

for sending this my way

Yet another reminder

that I am actually okay!

 A cue to myself

to take deep breaths and be kind

perhaps be a little less judgemental

 of my monkey mind

To embrace my newfound love

of blissful solitude

(Avoid bloody festivals)

and not always assume….

 That I have to take part

in other people’s ideas of fun

for now

is number one

focusing on my needs