Poking Bears

Approximate reading time: 14 min

I am pleased to report, it has been a significantly calmer week this week.

Of course, it helps that I am on holiday for two weeks and that I’m back looking after my two favourite cats in the whole entire world…

Aren’t they adorable?

So, this whole week I have been working on an assignment for my master’s. The module that we are doing at the moment is called the MOTC (Meaning of the child) which is a tool used to assess the caregiving relationship that a parent has with their child. It involves a structured interview being done with a parent where they are asked about different aspects of their relationship with their child and what their own relationship with their parents was like. Once the interview has been finished it needs to be coded. This is done by essentially looking at various aspects in the interview such as; the relationship with the interviewer; the narrative; the language used by the parent and the cognitive beliefs that might come up.

Various ‘discourse markers’ are then marked off onto a coding sheet. Once the entire interview has been coded you will then use the discourse markers to help you assess what the parent’s caregiving style toward their child is:

Sensitive

(The relationship is mutual, collaborative and rewarding to both child and parent)

Controlling

(The parent feels threatened or challenged in the relationship, seeking to change the child through intense feelings of anger or need.)

Unresponsive.

(The parent seeks to withdraw emotionally or perhaps physically to keep going, often leaving their children feeling shut off.)

I have to admit it is fascinating and I am really enjoying this section of the studying. I need 50% to pass the module…but if I get above 70% then I will be fully qualified to code the MOTC in the future….

I am praying for 71%;-)

What I have found rather interesting is this.

For the last two weeks, the entire time that I have been studying this module, I have found that these “discourse markers” seem to be floating around my head every time I interact with each new guy.

I am pretty sure my lecturer, Ben

(Who is also the founder of the MOTC)

would be mortified that I am using it this way but alas IT is happening nonetheless;-)

In a way, I kind of like it.

I mean, I do realise that I overthink everything….

(That’s a given!;-)

but it feels like now, I have a way of bringing some order, structure and awareness to the deluge of emotions, thoughts and feelings that come up while trying to date.

It’s like having my own dating cataloguing system.

It also keeps reminding me that you can’t judge a person too harshly just because a marker comes up once. You can notice it, mentally log it and then see if it re-occurs a little later on.

And yes of course you are going to get examples.

So, on Wednesday, I was chatting to 48-year-old Matthew from Australia.

We chatted for about 20 minutes, and then he invited me out for coffee.

We exchanged numbers and then he messaged once to simply say:

“Looking forward to meeting, I’ll message you on the day to confirm the time.”

And that was it!

I was in shock.

I was in awe.

This people, is the way God himself intended dating to be.

(I’m sure of it.)

All to often we just jump in feet first messaging for ages only to find out when we do eventually meet that, yes the chat was amazing….but the real-time connection is pretty much non-existent.

I say we.

When what I really should be saying is ….

So I came away from that experience mentally ticking off a couple of sensitive markers

and feeling ever so happy that I had another date.

I told myself that from now on…

THIS

was how I was going to be doing the dating thing!

No more jumping into random never-ending conversations with men too soooooooon!!!

( I don’t care how funny they are)

About an hour later I matched with 43-year-old Phil. I must admit I had my doubts about him from the beginning….something about one of his manic happy, laughing profile pictures unnerved me and made me wonder….

….mmmm do we have a little bit of

going on here?

But in fairness to Phil his profile was punchy, and well-written, he had two adorable dogs and good teeth….

(Did I mention good teeth was on my list? )

…so I decided to give him a go.

(Especially since I am attempting to keep an open mind these days.)

Needless to say we jumped into easy banter about his love of ice cream and his painful big toe that he had just bashed on the stairs that morning.

The conversation flowed smoothly and he made me laugh.

(My well-thought-out advice above didn’t even get a second thought.)

Eventually, I needed to end the conversation because I had a Zoom call booked.

Things were left on a high, and I looked forward to chatting to him later.

By the next evening, I still hadn’t heard anything back from him.

Mmmmm….what to do?

What to do?

I did after all initiate the conversation and send the first message.

I want a guy who is prepared to do a little bit of the work…..

But I decided, against my better judgment, to message him back.

Phil did after all sustain a near-death toe injury…

it seemed almost vital that I check up on him.

Mmmmm interesting …was I sensing a little bit of

(Neurotic Angel: “Don’t overreact Gayle….the man just has a wounded toe!”)

Mmmmmm….ok so this WAS NOT the fun, happy-go-lucky, up for a laugh guy I chatted to yesterday.

This was starting to feel ever so slightly

In hindsight I probably should have, at this point, cut my losses and stopped messaging.

(But I admit it…sometimes I like poking the bear. )

It took him about 50 minutes to respond to that one…..surely he wasnt seriously sulking because I hadn’t messaged him sooner?

(Good grief enough with the freaken toe already.)

(I am trying my best to be sympathetic)

It suddenly felt like he had forgiven me and we jumped back into random chat like the good old days.

(Aka yesterday!)

Phil asked me if I had had a lot of experience with men getting too sexual too soon.

I explained to him that, luckily, I have not.

I have in my lifetime only ever been sent one dick pic.

(Thank God)

I asked Phil what his number one pet hate was on online dating.

(Umm don’t hold back Phil)

As much as I am not a fan of online dating,

as much as many of those things can be true,

I couldn’t help but wonder how many women Phil had just randomly deleted at the drop of a hat?

Heaven knows I’ve done it before.

It’s an inevitable part of this online dating world.

If I message a guy only to get one-word responses and not a single question back…..

I’m out of there!

(In fairness I try my best to always ask at least two or three questions before giving them the chop.

And I NEVER do it mid-conversation, of course)

But I am not wasting my time or energy on anyone who has no idea how to mutually keep a simple conversation going.

Unfortunately, most dating apps are not designed to be kind.

It’s not like there is a button you can click that says:

Does that make these people horrible, fake people?

No…it just means they are boring as hell and it’s time to move on.

I found Phil’s lack of mentalising around this issue and his generalised hostility towards the women online a little off-putting.

But I simply noted it and moved on.

(Mmmm as said by every sociopath, psychopath and dickhead that ever lived.)

Still trying to keep an open mind…..we chatted a little more.

There was always a chance he might just be a really frustrated and disillusioned NICE guy

(Although by now, I was beginning to sincerely have my doubts about that.)

Phil suddenly sends me a picture of an empty room.

I must admit I was suitably impressed.

The entire room had panels all over the walls and they looked great.

(It’s a huge bonus if a man can do DIY – I mean it’s not on THE LIST mind you,

but it is very sexy!)

Ummm….WTF?

Ok so let’s get this straight about me.

~~I like to think I have a pretty good sense of humour.~~

I have a pretty dam good sense of humour.

I can take most things in my stride.

The one thing, however, that I will never be is the “Fuck you” girl.

I get that lots of people love this type of ‘aggressive humour’

But I do not.

I never have and I never will.

It always reminds me of those comedians that when confronted with something that they have no witty comeback for just blurt out “Fuck you” to everybody.

hahahahahahahhahahaha

Hilarious.

Plus what was the ‘colouring book and crayons’ bit all about?

I could only “assume” that it was a reference to my job, to me being a primary school teacher.

Charming Phil.

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Now here lies one of the biggest problems with online dating, as far as I can see.

So often when we are messaging absolute strangers we might miss the nuance of what they are saying, we fail to get that they are joking, we misunderstand something they say, we make inferences that perhaps weren’t intended. etc.

It happens to all of us.

It’s hard chatting to a person you have never met before because let’s face it…

YOU DON’T KNOW THEM!

But here is the absolute vital clue that someone you are chatting to is not healthy:

WARNING:

ATTACHMENT LECTURE ABOUT TO ENSUE

All relationships are based around ‘ruptures and repairs’ which goes right back to our childhood.

A healthy, sensitive parent is not someone who makes NO mistakes.

A healthy, sensitive parent, is a human being who, like everyone else, makes LOADS of mistakes. The fundamental difference with a sensitive parent is that they are more aware of the daily breakdowns that inevitably will happen in their relationship with their child. They are consciously aware of the child’s emotions and when things go a bit pear-shaped and a ‘rupture’ in the relationship occurs ….they are able to address the issue and attempt to heal the said ‘rupture’ by validating the child’s feelings and helping them to work through them.

This then translates back into adulthood.

If you have grown up feeling like your thoughts and feelings were valued and that problems generally can be sorted out then you will feel relatively safe speaking up when you disagree with, or feel hurt by something.

When you grow up with sensitive parents you aren’t petrified of conflict because experience has taught you that conflict and rifts can be dealt with and sorted out relatively calmly and rationally, without the threat of being shamed, rejected, ridiculed or ignored.

I unfortunately never knew all this and spent a good part of my 20’s and 30’s trying to avoid any ruptures to ensure that everybody liked me.

Essentially I never realised that there is a

wealth of knowledge that you can gather

about any new partner (or friend) when you see how they handle any conflict, disagreement or boundary you might set early on in the relationship.

(How did I NEVER know this?)

I feel like I spent so many years fearful of speaking up when I was uncomfortable, laughing over things I didn’t agree with, never owning up to feelings of hurt quite simply because I didn’t want to cause a ‘rupture’ that might end up with me losing the connection and ultimately the relationship. I didn’t want to be seen as difficult, selfish or demanding…all the labels I had grown up with.

The labels I so desperately wanted to outrun.

Whether or not this was the healthy, balanced person that I actually wanted to have in my life

never even entered the equation.

All too sadly,

My main, No1 goal was

These last couple of years I have finally begun to realise that speaking up, admitting when you are uncomfortable and being honest about what you are feeling is so important….simply because you get to gauge how people react to you…..

Do they get angry or defensive?

Do they try to minimise or shame you for having difficult feelings?

Do they argue with you that your feelings/thoughts are wrong?

Do they dismiss what you are saying and try to gloss over it?

Or do they simply abandon you completely?

Or conversely are they open to listening and ready to discuss/debate the issue free from shame and blame? Do they see you as an individual with the right to have your feelings/thoughts and emotions even if they don’t agree with them?

Because frankly,

THESE are the types of people that I want in my life these days.

As I have slowly started to ‘flex’ this new ‘speaking-up’ muscle I have noticed that,

surprisingly enough, most people are perfectly OK with me being honest and having my say.

Most people seem to like and respect me more for it.

And the most beautiful lesson,

that I have learnt waaaaaaaaaaaaay too late in life is this.

So armed with this newfound knowledge I have found myself, while dating this time around, more easily able to stand up for myself and speak up when I don’t agree with something, set a boundary early on (If I need to) , lol or even point out a spelling mistake if I notice it;-) , …… because frankly, I want to know right from the word go how a man engages in ‘mini ruptures’.

I want to know if his ego can survive it!

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