So I think it is about time I introduced you to Roxy. 

For those, of you that know me well I currently have two phones….my plan is to amalgamate them both at some point but for now they both exist. When I was in Cape Town visiting my family in December my brother, Bruce,  asked me who Roxy was. I had no idea what he was talking about….until he said that my watsap name came up as Roxy ‘Somebody’ (obviously she used the number before me)….I then explained in my absolutely terrible attempt of an Irish accent that Roxy was my Irish twin. (I am a Gemini after all😉) 
And thus Roxy was born.
I switched in and out of character for the rest of the holiday much to the amusement (and sometimes confusion) of my nephews. The youngest one would at times go:” Noooo you are Gayle, aren’t you? 🙈”

This is why I love being Roxy. Roxy is crazy! Roxy says yes to life! (when Gayle sometimes wants to run and hide) Roxy doesn’t care what other people think of her! (sometimes Gayle cares too much). My playful persona of being Roxy is something that I have also brought into my teaching. I love being silly with my students….I want them to learn to laugh at themselves and to not take life too seriously. It doesn’t work with some kids, but the majority love it. Maths is way more fun with a weird, crazy accent😜. The absolute best is when they start talking in their own weird little accents. I have one little boy, bless him, that does the most amazing accents. So far he can do Scottish, British, Irish and Australian way better than I can. For a dyslexic, dyscalculic and ADHD child that struggles with so much of his written school work playing the little actor and feeling like he does it well is a huge confidence boost for him. He will sit down and just fall into character. It’s too beautiful for words. 🤗 What I love about children is their innate ability to just be silly and have fun. And what I love about my job is I can provide the space for them to do it. It’s way easier to encourage and endorse silliness in a one-to-one sitting than in a whole class situation. What does sadden me so often is that instead of us adults, learning from our children and embracing the silliness we expect them to grow up, be more mature and act their age…..um they are kids.

So I love my Roxy and I have subsequently noticed that these days every time an opportunity comes up that causes fear in Gayle…..Roxy is the voice of courage that screams: “You can do this! “

I recently had such an experience. While looking on Facebook I happened to see a photographer who runs a photography school advertising for models to pose for his students.

Gayles internal thoughts:” Interesting, but he wants young models not 43-year-olds”

Roxy’s vocal thoughts: “Will you listen to yourself dammit all…..you have spent the last 3 years defying that horrible world “old” just contact him!!”

(Gayle doesn’t argue with Roxy anymore🙈🙊😜)

So I contacted Paul…who seemed frankly a little maniacally nuts from that first message (Just how Roxy likes people👍)

Gayle decided to go check out his Facebook profile photos just to make sure he wasn’t an axe murderer. (Good Lord there were some scary-looking profile photos filled with lots of cigarette smoke and a couple of knives😱)

Roxy asked Paul straight out if he was an axe murderer.🔪🔪

He assured her he wasn’t.

(Gayle felt so much better now😬.)

After Gayle had informed Paul that she was no student and that she had absolutely zero experience he seemed perfectly happy to still accept her. He also said that he would probably need to use me a few times this week and sent me a couple of themes that I could choose from for the shoot.

Gayle chose the beach, woodlands and city fashion….they all seemed the most doable and I could probably find clothes for those.👍

Last message Paul sent ended with ” Do you have a name oh nameless one ?”

Me: Gayle\ Roxy (Depending on the mood😁)

Monday Paul sends me a couple of photos that he liked based on a whole Alice in Wonderland theme…..one was just a women’s hands beautifully positioned….perfectly manicured- just gorgeous. WTF? Frankly, I have always hated my old wrinkly hands they are definitely not my best feature. I might look young but even as a teenager I had the hands of a 40-year-old. When Paul called that evening to confirm for Tuesday Gayle told him outright that photographing her hands was not an option.

Paul laughed and said: “Ok, out with it….give me the list of body parts you don’t like. All you women have one.”

Me: umm no I’m not that bad…..I just don’t like the hands….. and um maybe the stomach….(make it look flat like it did in my 20s)…..and ok sometimes the arms. But otherwise, I’m good to go. 😜

Paul: What about your feet?

(Now I usually have no problem with my feet….in fact I actually quite like them. I normally have perfectly manicured toenails.💅 It just so happens I did a hacksaw on them with my toenail clipper the previous night …..)

Me: “Ummmm…”

Paul: (laughing)” Shall we add that to the list then?”

I assure him I’m not that insecure. (Sometimes I lie quite convincingly)

On finishing our conversation Paul said:” Just make sure you bring Roxy to the shoot tomorrow.” 👍

So am nervous as hell when I pull up there but made sure Roxy was in charge. (Minus the Irish accent of course) Imagine my horror at discovering that the “Fashion in the city” shoot needs to actually be taken in the city. What??? We are actually going to drive down to Main street and take photos there? Paul and his student think it’s pretty hilarious I hadn’t figured this out by myself. 🙈(Did I not mention I had no experience with this?)

Look, it’s brave enough Gayle was choosing to do this in a nice quiet studio but now she has to do it in public with everyone watching…..(and did I mention she has zero experience) Why can’t we just do it in studio and Paul can photoshop real buildings in? Sounds like the logical option to me. 😬 So am suitably mortified but Roxy hides it well.

Ok I won’t lie. I absolutely had so much freakin’ fun. 😂. After Gayle got over the initial shock of people staring at her it really wasn’t that bad. Of course, it helped that she had a hilarious photographer that kept shouting “Work it Roxy Work it” – and pulling faces at her whenever she was trying to be very serious and model-like. (Apparently, he liked smiling Roxy more) Paul seriously had me in stitches most of the day. On informing him about the very scary profile pics he just laughed. Apparently, he used to be a chef and then 7 plus years ago he decided “stuff this I’m going to follow my passion”. I love stories like that.(hence the knives photo!) Often Paul or his student would look at a photo and then come and show me…”look how gorgeous you look”

At one point Paul just burst out laughing and said to his student: “Absolute silence from her….but if we keep showing hopefully she will crack after a while and start to like them.”

It suddenly dawned on me that the pictures they were showing me were their art. They were showing me a beautiful photo they had taken and all I was looking at was the wrinkles on my forehead (can they photoshop those out?) or the fact that they had taken a profile picture of my nose….which I hate!

I apologised to them and explained my dislike of profile pictures…”It’s my nose you know….never liked my nose! “

Paul: “Mmmm so we will just add that to your list then.”

Me: (mental thought) “Oh God my list is getting long”

So this whole experience really got me thinking about how hard us women are on ourselves. I have always considered myself to be pretty photogenic and frankly, I loved all my photos up to around 35. Suddenly things changed….I suddenly didn’t look like the waif-like girl I used to be. The fresh skin…the crinkle-free eyes the glowing frizz-free hair. I am embarrassed to say I completely shied away from most photos from age 35-40. And if they were taken they were usually received with criticism. I never seemed to recognise the person staring back at me anymore. The only consistent thought I had every time I looked back at old photos was: “Damn you looked good then….but why did you never feel it at the time ?” Ageing often feels like this hamster wheel that you can’t seem to get off or stop. I am still relieved that at my age a simple filter can smooth away any wrinkles…and I am not ashamed to admit I happily use that option if I want to.😂👍 But I am well aware that that won’t last forever. I envy the women who say things like “they love their wrinkles- they are the maps to their lives.” Like seriously? Who needs maps these days? (Years ago I wrote a whole post on my dislike of maps ….why would I ever want one on my face?😵)

I often wonder if women that absolutely love their ageing faces and wouldn’t change a single thing about them really do exist or are some people just better at hiding it than others. I don’t have the answer to that question. I would honestly like to believe that there are women who have always been 100% naturally comfortable in their own skin…but the sceptic in me is a little doubtful. What I do hold on to hope for is this….a strong belief that women can learn to love themselves more and become more comfortable in their own skin. But as I have discovered it takes work. It takes conscientious steps towards changing those negative thoughts and beliefs that we hold about ourselves. It takes learning to actually listen to the negative things we continually say about ourselves, and becoming aware of how hard and critical we can be of ourselves. It’s about learning to receive compliments graciously when they come in, rather than simply brushing them away (or silently ignoring them🤐). It’s also about learning to give compliments and be a little kinder to other women out there who are all a little hard on themselves. A simple “those earrings are beautiful” or “you look lovely in that colour” are tiny ways of connecting with other women and reminding them that they have been seen, that they are beautiful.

Around about the time I turned 40 I watched a gorgeous video of women in their 60’s and 70’s talking about how they spent so many years feeling ‘” uncomfortable in their own skin” and how they had finally got over it and learnt to love themselves completely no matter what the photo angle. I made a decision right then and there that I didn’t want to have to wait until that age to finally get it. It’s one of the reasons I started pole dancing …for me, pole has been the place that has helped me to start embracing all my curves and imperfections. This decision has also been the chief driving force behind all my endeavours to be brave and choose things I wouldn’t normally choose in life.

So today I am so incredibly grateful for this wonderful experience that I got to have with Paul Wright. Roxy has already told him that he has been adopted as her personal photographer …for life💖. He has such an amazing gift for photography and for making people feel comfortable and happy in their skin. Add to that his beautiful big heart and we have an all round genuine (if slightly manic ), lovable soul.

I am not sure if I will ever be able to write a post declaring my love of every wrinkle and crinkle that will continue to expand across my face through the years….but what I do know for a fact is that I will definitely never give up trying to. For me, that’s enough.

Thanks for listening 
Have a beautiful evening 
Love
Roxy
💖🌹🌼🌸🍀🍲🐝🌱