Approximate reading time: 7min

Written 2nd April 2021

I don’t really write

about my dreams anymore

They pretty much continue

as they always have before

Random images

from my distant past

memories, old ghosts

never an A list-cast

But last night you were back

in them again

I have dreamed of you since

 I don’t know when

Not that often now

(I have to clarify)

Perhaps twice a year

(If I had to quantify)

Always the same dream

just in different forms

Ignoring each other

seems to be our norm

For years you were stoned

no ability to verbalise…

Your mum cooing

you’re so wonderful

(in her eyes)

I always loved your mum

she was so bubbly and free

As a young girl, that’s how

I dreamed I could be

In later years you weren’t stoned

(Thank God)

anymore

But the common theme is how

we still both ignore

We are watching each other

 always from afar

But never approach

it’s a little bizarre

Last night you had a girlfriend

 (Frankly,

she looked like shit…

Perhaps she was a drug addict?

Umm yes…

I believe that was it!)

Lol my internal disdain,

(perhaps)

for whoever has your heart?

Funny the subconscious messages

 our minds do impart

But maybe

just maybe

with all of my internal growth…

You simply needed a mention

a pledge of my troth

******

You were my first love

my age was 15

so very young

and lacking in self-esteem

I was so insecure

(I mean you would NEVER choose me!)

So, I came up with a plan

a little nasty and mean

I noticed you seemed

 to make girls giggle and weak

I was determined to be different

(have a little more mystique)

You had to know I was special

Someone distinctive in your life

I wasn’t just another girl…

Dammit,

I was going to be your wife!

So, I decided as I cried

 (on my pillow late one night)

that I’d keep my vulnerability

 wrapped up so very tight

See, if I treated you like shit

made you work really hard

then I could protect my heart

from the inevitable scar…

Of you rejecting me

as my soul knew you would…

This way I’d have control

 (So my teenage mind understood)

********

(Just a wee footnote:

What a dumb fucking plan!

Girls at home

DON’T TRY THIS!

If you actually want to get your man)

********

I’m ashamed to admit

I was a colossal bitch…

But luckily my precious plan

 had one significant glitch

You never took me seriously

I always made you laugh…

You annihilated my plan

 with your enormous belly laugh!

At the end of our drama-tragedy

 (almost without fail)

after our fake-mini-wars

and boisterous regales…

You would come stand before me

 open your arms for a hug

Something about those hugs

 felt more addictive than a drug

We would hold on tight

perhaps a little longer than necessary

nothing about those hugs

 felt perfunctory

You implored me many times

 to simply open up and confide…

But I was so stuck in my head

 it was just easier to hide

Well clearly my plan failed

you started dating my friend

In my teenage world

it literally felt like the very end…

Luckily, I am always proactive

 (Yep, I made a new plan!)

I threw myself into a relationship

 with a narcissistic man

20 years later

we finally had our time

It was short, sweet

perplexing

 (maybe a little sublime!)

You admitted writing me poetry

I too had been your first love

For the first time in 2 decades

we finally took off our gloves

But as wonderful as it was

to finally intersect

we just didn’t seem

to emotionally connect

We wanted such completely

different things from our lives

you didn’t believe in monogamy

I just wanted to be a wife

I mean you had no desire for kids

(How on EARTH could that be?)

Although you were still wonderful

you weren’t the man for me

But you said something to me

 was so completely right

I’d been in love with a dream

 while I waited for a knight

I had put you on this pedestal

 I’d flung you way up high

(perhaps so I could fuel

my own self-love supply?)

In my child-like mind

if someone amazing could love me

then maybe

just maybe

I could start to believe…

That I had real value,

that I had genuine worth…

A feeling of acceptance

I could start to unearth…?

So, I used you for years

 to bolster my self-esteem

It’s no wonder you have always

permeated my dreams

You said rather bluntly

I had to forgive my mum

I wasn’t ready to hear it

so your words really stung

But I knew in my soul

you were so completely right

but at that point in time

I still hadn’t learnt to fight

To stand up for myself

let the passivity go

to say:

  “This is who I am,

this is my show

You don’t have to like it

or be on the same page

but I have the right

to inhabit

my own beautiful stage”

As much as you angered me

as much as it hurt

you were honest enough

not to divert

from the truth that I

so desperately needed to hear

If I didn’t learn to love myself

I would always live in fear

So, this poem is for you

wherever you are

I hope you know how much

I value your part

I finally found my voice…

(I just wanted you to know!;-)

I’m eternally grateful

for you helping me to grow

  I wish you nothing but happiness

and absolute joy

to me you will always be

that beautiful, smiling boy

(Who gave the best hugs)

Laughed, teased and used your wit

But most all for not backing down

and

calling me on my shit!