Approximate reading time: 5 min

You see, this is why I could never be a professional writer….. my inability to follow through and finish the bloody assignment would mean I would undoubtedly be fired in roughly 3 weeks.

I can almost hear the editor now:

Oh, you mean the one on the Anxious Avoidant style?

Ummmm…….in my head somewhere????

(The irony is not lost on me!)

So yes, I’m stalling…..

I still have over 190 poems (and counting) to post so I can do that.

Thank God I don’t have an editor!

Written 19 February 2021

Jealousy’s an emotion that’s governed most of my life
Struggling, looking outward, drowning in doubt

Little girl in a house so often tainted by rage
Sometimes I wished I could just turn the page

Hours every day, watching the Cosby Show
Lost in a fantasy of how I wished I could grow
(The irony now, not lost on me
Bill Cosby?
What a joke
The biggest fake that could ever be)

I wished problems could be solved with laughter and talking
Not angry yelling that left my skin crawling
Walking on eggshells constantly exhausts
You’re never quite sure what will set somebody off

So, I designed a good plan, when I was young
I would create my own family, amongst whom I could belong.
It would be my chance, all the wrongs to right
There would never be anger or rage insight

I’d feel safe, loved, supported, listened to
Have a husband that adored me and valued my feelings as true
I’d have a beautiful home, filled with laughing kids.
Maybe a farmhouse; we’d live off the grid

Throw in a couple of dogs!

(To add more delight)
We would have wonderful holidays

Where

we

would

never EVER

fight!

It’s funny all the things

(You think you need)
To make yourself worthy, to get up to speed
For so many years, I looked out and wondered why
Why did I struggle, while others seemed to fly

Why was it so hard to find someone to love
Build a home and fill it with useless stuff
Raise a bunch of kids, just be a mum
Instead of always worrying
“What the hell is wrong?“

But as I’ve got older, more wisdom I have gleaned
Looking with compassion, not all is as it seems

I started to notice and to really see
We all have our own trauma of varying degrees
As the poet Philip Larkin so beautifully wrote
Our parents can fuck us up, help us into their boat

And the more I look, the more I understand
Our parents were drowning, in their own fears unplanned
You simply cannot give what you yourself never got
You can do your best, but you’ll most probably miss the shot

So, we are now in the boat and what do we do
We take up their oars

(It was all that we knew)
We continue their patterns, we carry on their beliefs
We do even more damage to our fragile psyche

So, I’ve spent the last 10 years not raising a family
I’ve spent them gently learning to raise me
I’ve become my own love
Critiqued my fallacies
Had to come to terms
with my own jealousy
Noticing my triggers
and understanding my own pain.
Writing words that might hopefully
help others do the same

I do not believe our core beliefs,
(created as kids)
can magically be changed or simply knocked off the grid
These core beliefs were created to keep us safe
They are not our enemy; they are simply part of our base
But I do believe they can lessen the grip
if we learn how to listen and put down the whip

Simply by acknowledging them when they arise
Looking, for example
‘Jealousy’ straight in the eyes