Approximate reading time: 7 min

Can I just start by saying

“Thank God” Summer holidays are FINALLY over.

The downside of being a semi-self-employed supply teacher pretty much means…

Now I need to clarify, that when I talk about having “no money” that certainly doesnt mean I couldn’t book a holiday to The Netherlands for 6 days.

(I by no means mean to infer that I am a desolate pauper)

I had reasonably budgeted enough to get me through the holiday period semi-unscathed with a mini break included.

What I hadn’t budgeted for were all the OTHER things that life decides to throw at you…

ALL at once

(Just for fun)

It’s always that month that you plan

to be frugal

count your pennies

and stay on the financial low

that all the shit hits the fan.

Granted no 1 and 2 on my list didn’t cost me any money but it was the “What if” worries that clearly pushed me over the edge..

“What if I don’t find a flatmate?”

“What if I don’t find a tenant?”

(Which in both cases would have resulted in me having to cover the missing rent money)

Honestly, I tried to keep a lid on my panic pot

but unfortunately

I failed hopelessly.

It completely got away from me.

The biggest joke, of course, was that right at the beginning of the holidays I started writing a blog post about how I rarely stress about money anymore.

Ha.

That post has consequently been relegated to the

“WTF were you thinking?”

pile.

Last year, this time, I was inundated with dog-sitting jobs that slotted in perfectly one after the other and I was able to rent my bedroom out for the entire summer holiday.

This year I got offered 4 dog-sitting jobs which all coincided with the exact week I had booked my holiday with my brother, so I couldn’t say yes to any of them.

(Typical)

And then to culminate the holiday off with a

Bailey’s parents terminated my doggy sitting rights.

AKA I got fired.

(Yep, again)

Interesting that this should happen right in the middle of editing my poem on my last ‘first ‘ firing’.

The only difference being…

(In my humble opinion)

This firing was fully warranted.

The back story:

Richard and I had planned a big day of spring cleaning the flat.

We had finally found a new flatmate

(In the last week of August)

who would be moving in in a couple of weeks so we wanted to get rid of all the rubbish that always seems to accumulate when you have numerous people sharing a flat.

I cleaned out the entire kitchen broom cupboard and when I came into the kitchen after going to throw some rubbish away I saw Bailey running out of the cupboard with the small, blue plastic bowl in her mouth.

(Bailey loves chewing plastic bowls.)

I took it away from her and went to check the cupboard to see where she had got it from.
The cupboard floor was covered with blue crystal-like granules. It suddenly dawned on me, in absolute horror, that it was mouse bait that had been put down last year by a pest control man.

(That I had completely forgotten about)

Although it looked like Bailey had tipped most of it out she could have quite easily ingested some in the process.

I frantically phoned the UK animal poison hotline….only to have them charge me £35 to tell me to take her to a vet.

(A short disclaimer would have been greatly appreciated)

Her owners luckily were on their way over anyway so they took her.

My poor little beagle baby had to have her stomach pumped.

And go for blood tests the next day.

£600 worth of vet bills later Bailey got the all-clear that she would be ok.

Bailey’s owners, who are lovely people, very kindly told me later that night that they unfortunately were going to need to look for another sitter.

I didn’t blame them.

If it was my dog I would probably have done the same.

It may have been an accident and God knows I adore that dog…

but she was still in my care and my responsibility.

This whole situation has really made me realise how forgiveness and trust are definitely not mutually exclusive.

I won’t deny that I was a little devasted when this all happened. I have spent almost a year looking after this gorgeous little Tasmanian devil of a dog.

(The 21st of October would have been our one-year anniversary.)

The Thursday after this all went down was pretty emotional for me. I had barely slept the night before and felt completely engulfed by a huge entanglement of grief and shame. I felt like a walking, talking contradiction of emotions. One part of me felt angry and embarrassed that I had allowed this to happen, it was a stupid avoidable mistake if only I had watched her more carefully. Another part felt hurt and rejected, not worthy of forgiveness.

But another part felt nothing but love and compassion for myself.

It was an unintentional accident.

It was a mistake.

(How on earth nurses and doctors live with the consequences of their ‘mistakes’ is beyond me)

So, I was walking home feeling incredibly sorry for myself when I bumped into a dog owner, Helena who I often chat to at the dog park, who has her own adorable beagle called Bronty.

We stopped to chat.

The first words out of her mouth were

“Where is your little beagle baby?”

As I bent down to say hello to Bronty, I was suddenly confronted with that adorable little Beagle face and I promptly burst into tears.

Helana was smiling knowingly while I poured out my tragic story.

(While her 10-year-old daughter, who was with her, stared at this crazy, over-emotional lady)

She then proceeded to list all the things that Monty had eaten and survived in his earlier youthful days.

I walked away feeling a little less guilty and smidgen less sorry for myself.

It also made me realise how much walking Bailey this last year has opened me up to meeting so many different people. Two years ago I knew absolutely nobody in my neighbourhood.

Nowadays I continually bump into people that I know.

I realised that I had Bailey to thank for that.

About 20 minutes later I got a call from one of my teaching agencies.

They had a PPA role available working in a school for children with Autism for 3 days a week.

Would I be interested?

For the last 5 years since I moved back to London from South Africa, there have been two things I have been secretly hoping for.

1. A PPA Role
2. A Role in a Special Needs School

FYI: A PPA role is one where you cover teacher’s classes each week while they are out doing Planning, Preparation and Assessments. The beauty of this role is that you get to go back to the same classes each week, and build relationships with the same kids but you don’t need to do all the planning and other bullshit that comes with any full-time teacher’s role.

These days PPA roles are like Gold dust….they very rarely come around as most schools, over the last couple of years have been filling these roles internally.

Would I be interested?

Hell yes….

Had I still had Bailey I would have felt a little gutted saying no to this opportunity.

I was reminded yet again that

The universe abhors a void….

When one door closes another always opens….

And that maybe my little angel of a dog had just helped me nudge that door close…

(Because God Knows I wouldn’t have been able to do it myself)

So I made a couple of decisions.

1. I decided to let it go.
2. I decided that the only person I needed forgiveness from was myself.
3. And finally, I decided to be grateful. Grateful for all the wonderful memories that I have accumulated over this last year. Grateful for all the love I got from this tiny little therapy creature who has helped me heal and connect back into the world after a very difficult and isolating couple of years.

Obviously, I still feel a little heartsore

I don’t think I will ever see a Beagle again and not think of her.

But today I am choosing to hold onto the love.

P.S.

What a waste of time all that worrying was!🙂

P.P.S

The upside of all my worrying is that it got me painting again. Thank you to my lovely flatmate Richard who commissioned my first landscape, and for believing that I could do it.

(It’s gonna be worth MILLIONS one-day Richie-Rich:-)