Approximate reading time: 10min

Written the 25th June 2021

I was offered this reception job

On a full-time contract

Finally paid for the summer holidays

(Fantastic! Imagine that!)

After ten long years

of being self-employed

A regular pay check

 I was overjoyed

Absolutely elated

things were finally on track

Except for one tiny

 minuscule, little fact

The head teacher requested

 I apply for the job privately

go through the back door

lie to my agency

The school wanted to avoid

 paying the contract fee

That would essentially be the ticket

 to release me

I was upfront and honest

 that I had no desire to lie

this agency has supported me

through this difficult covid time

I have the utmost respect

for the job that they do

I’m not comfortable being dishonest

 (This much I knew)

“No worries”

I was reassured

“We will work something out.”

I stood for my principles

(Damn I felt proud)

So not another mention

 or word has been said

 Almost 4 months later

 I hear the words that I dread

“Sorry but the school

 needs to reroute

We simply can’t afford

to buy your contract out

But your work is meaningful

we definitely want you to stay

 We just won’t be paying you

for your holidays!”

I found my words

 I addressed the leadership team

I owned my disappointment

 (Eish this felt mean)

They said

(Yet again)

They’d go back to my agency

To see if they could work out

 Some sort of deal for me

But then suddenly the next day

I got politely informed

apparently, there are more reasons

behind this colossal shitstorm

My anxiety is an issue

 (All of a sudden it’s a

BIG

concern)

Worries, Good Lord

I might crash and burn

A mysterious incident labelled

 a “situation with the head”

 I had been anxious and upset

around him

(It was said)

Pray tell me when on earth

did this incident occur?

 Why is this the first of it

I have EVER heard?

Yes, I struggle with anxiety

(At times it has been hard)

But how is it fair that you NOW

play the anxiety card

If you had such huge concerns

worries that I’d choke

If you genuinely felt that

 I wouldn’t be able to cope…

Then why keep me on as staff

full-time at all

Why not simply show me

 the bloody fucking door?

I understand if you can’t afford

to pay the contract fee

but that should have been made clear

4 months ago to me!

I wouldn’t have spent all my savings  

on 3 months of yoga lessons

or treated myself to those

extra massage sessions

I would have continued saving

(As a good girl would always do)

Saving for my holidays

to get myself through

I have poured my entire heart

into this reception class

And frankly, I don’t feel

like letting this one pass

This is not about the money

(That concern is minimal)

Dearest school, this is about

 the damn fucking principle!

I have always been honest

 owned my struggles with anxiety

And now suddenly it’s an issue?

(So conveniently)

In the last 6 months

I have had two, successful reviews

Where you heaped on praise

For the excellent job that I do

Funny none of these concerns

where ever address to me

Instead, you go behind my back

and tell my agency?

(Oh My God I’m so angry

I want to fucking spit

I am so freaken over

ALL of this shit!)

And do you think I’m the ONLY person

 who has anxiety in your school?

People just don’t talk about it

that’s  

We are programmed to look strong

keep a smile on our face

hide our vulnerability

a stiff upper lip is embraced

But I have attempted authenticity

to be open and to be real

To genuinely engage

with how I honestly feel

We teach the kids to be honest

 and not to tell a lie

And because I wouldn’t play your game

I’m now being penalised?

So, in this moment I’m pissed

I’m confused as fuck!

Not really sure if this is fate

or simply bad luck?

I’m not at all comfortable

with this dishonest kind of play

Is this the universe saying

 “Get up and walk away?”

My perception is shattered

I’ve lost all faith in this school

 I really thought it was different

(Just so wonderfully cool)

That they genuinely cared about staff

and our emotional needs

(Oh, look more evidence

 on which my distrust monster can feed)

So, now I’m really not sure

what I should do and say

Perhaps it’s time again

to just walk away.

**********

Rose-coloured tinted Glasses

Still mulling over my frustration

Can’t I just run and hide

What makes me always want

 to escape to the next high

What is this defence mechanism

 how did it become my norm

How did it help my younger brain

to diligently inform

That I was safe in the world

that I could cope

How did this defence mechanism

fill me with fake hope

And what’s the belief

that makes me relive the same pain

Groundhog Day

 over and over again

Is it the underlying belief

“This world is simply fucked

People are dishonest

They are inherently corrupt”

But no wait that’s not right

that’s not all I believe

There is another one

just as real to me

“This world is so beautiful

I have utter faith

 in the inherent good in people

 the whole entire race”

It’s like living on a see-saw

continually going up and down.

When I’m up in the air flying

not an inch of distrust is found

Every venture I start

(Every single school)

this positive belief has been

my underlying fuel

Rose-coloured tinted glasses

like falling in love…

Everything is perfect

I cannot get enough

But inevitably what goes up

 must always come down

Something always happens

that brings me to the ground

It activates my wound

my utter core shame

no matter what it is

 I always feel to blame

It screams at me so loudly

“Look this world is just not safe!

Your stupid pie-in-the-sky belief

 is so fucking out of date”

So, there I sit on my seesaw

 my feet firmly on the ground

I take a deep breath

I quietly look around

Evidence everywhere

of what I believe is true

so much pain and confusion

people not knowing what to do

I stay for a while…

but this reality is not much fun!

A little voice stirs in me,

 “This just isn’t the one!!

Look this see-saw is broken

It doesn’t even work!!!

See how it always lands you

back down in the yucky dirt?

You have to keep on looking

for one that keeps you in the air

“It exists I know it does!!!”

my inner child declares.

I realise that this defence mechanism

 served me well as a child

when you don’t feel seen or validated

when your feelings aren’t reconciled

 When you have not been given the space

to verbalise your pain

 when your own reality is denied

It simply deepens your own shame

It’s too painful to accept the truth

that your parents might be flawed

That they couldn’t emotionally hold you

so you close your eyes and ignore

And then you create a reality

that is more beautiful than you know

it’s the safest place ever

that your inner child can go

A reality where the grass

is always lush and green

A reality where you will be mirrored

and your emotions really seen

A space where you can be yourself

 authentic and always true

Where everyone loves 

And accepts the ‘all of you’

And then you take this childhood belief

(Gabor calls them our ‘stupid friends’)

And you carry it into the world

the cycle never ends

The same belief that kept you safe

and comforted as a child

Plays havoc with your adult experiences

often leaving you feeling exiled

Because people are not perfect

We are all bumbling our way through life

Billions of people worldwide

all searching for that high

Good people make bad decisions

shitty things are done

Not everyone will like you

Life is sometimes just not fun

And the truth of life is this

 no matter how hard you try

if you are standing in life’s arena

you will get dirt in your eye

One thing that can be guaranteed

is that you will be knocked down.

“You’ll get your arse kicked”

(A quote from Brene Brown)

The fun in a seesaw

is not simply clinging to the high

it’s the thrill of coming down

learning to push back into the sky

It’s getting your feet dirty

letting go of good and bad

realising that life is simply

about the experiences that you have had

Not tainting them with judgement

 not trying to find a better ‘ride’

not continually dreaming of a seesaw

 that will keep you in the sky

Learning to hold the pain

 knowing that it won’t last

Starting to comprehend

that

This too will pass

So, the moral of my story

I think I’ve made up my mind

What to do about the school

I’m not going to resign

I’m going to stick it out

Even without holiday pay…

(Although I still don’t like

what they did

at the end of the day)

Because I can’t deny I’ve been happy

each day I learn more

I have grown in resilience

This much is sure

I won’t let this disappointment

tarnish all that I have loved

Simply being with these beautiful kids

 has been reward enough