Approximate Reading Time: 8min

I feel like I need an update on my dating life.

I am pleased to report I made it to date no. 2 with Gavin. He booked a lovely restaurant for lunch, and then travelled the 1.5 hours needed to see me.

(Why do I keep meeting men that live so bloody far away?)

After lunch we ended up going for a walk in Hyde Park and then pretty much spent the rest of the day just talking. It was the same day as the partial lunar eclipse, which in itself was quite romantic. Afterwards we ended up sitting on deck chairs in the park talking until 10.30 that night and then headed back to Waterloo so he could catch his train home.

As far as dates go, I would probably say it was one of my best. Gavin was just so easy to talk to and it felt lovely to be able to be myself and not worry about saying the wrong thing. It also felt like such a relief to meet someone who wanted to get to know me first before taking things to the next level.

Although we had planned date no. 3, I got sick on the day and had to cancel. Unfortunately, as we know, when I’m sick, I’m never my most rational self, and sometimes I do stupid things. 😉

So, naturally, I fell down a rabbit hole, manically watching dating coaches on YouTube all explaining how to navigate dating men who aren’t, um… fully single yet.

(AKA separated for a year but still living with his ex-girlfriend while they co-parent their children)

A small detail I conveniently left out of our first date blog post.

Most probably because I knew it was a huge red flag.

Gavin knew it was a huge red flag.

But in fairness, when he told me in the first 15 minutes of our date…I just didn’t care.

I liked him too much.

This, coming from the girl who wrote a whole blog post about how she wouldn’t date a guy who wasn’t “fully single yet.”

I guess that’s the thing about boundaries… they’re easy to set, but so much harder to enforce when you’re sitting across from a friendly, warm, open-hearted human being who smells like heaven

and is just trying to navigate his own way through this complicated life.

(PS Tom Ford deserves the Nobel Prize for Perfumery)

So, I chose not to focus on that and hoped that ‘we’ would ultimately be the exception to the rule.

But on that sick Sunday, all my anxious-avoidant panic set in. I messaged him and tried to explain what I was feeling. He validated what I was saying; I didn’t feel judged or frozen out for simply speaking my mind and airing my concerns.

Mind-blowing.

Is this what healthy relationships look like?

I thought about all my years of dating and how the first couple of weeks in any new relationship always used to feel like absolute panic. As someone with an anxious-avoidant attachment, I know I long for genuine connection while I am simultaneously petrified of it. Of course, I consciously understand where it comes from. My relationship with my mother growing up felt all-consuming. I didn’t grow up feeling as though I had a voice, or even the right to share my own thoughts and feelings. It was never that she wouldn’t allow them; it was quite simply that she had no way of processing or containing them.

I also felt slightly burdened as a child by this sense that I could never quite make her happy. It was as though I could feel this deep sadness permeating the outgoing, gregarious persona she wore so perfectly to the outside world.

And, inevitably, all of this found its way into my romantic relationships.

(As it does with most humans)

How on earth am I ever going to be enough to make another person happy when I had failed so terribly with the one person I loved so much?

My time in therapy has helped me to untangle this and to appreciate that it is not my job to make anyone else happy.

I realised that for so many years, I had perfected the role of the “cool chick”. I swallowed down my thoughts, denied my needs and convinced myself I was fine with things when really, I wasn’t. So much of my relationship anxiety in the past was driven by this sense of absolutely losing myself while trying to fit onto the ‘ideal girlfriend’ pedestal I had so painstakingly carved for myself.

With Gavin, something felt different. For the first time, I felt confident enough to actually bring things up and talk about my concerns without that constant fear of rejection that has always loomed over me. I know I am highly sensitive. I know that I can worry about things, overthink them, or misconstrue the meaning behind something that might have been said. But I feel like part of my own healing journey has been realising that acknowledging that tendency doesn’t mean I have to automatically dismiss everything I feel.

So for the first time in a new relationship, I felt like I was able to just enjoy the honeymoon phase without all my old baggage dragging me down….and it was a pretty amazing feeling. It was like we were teenagers again, just completely wrapped up in each other. I will admit that a small part of me was slightly panicked…after being single for eight years and then suddenly having all this closeness, affection and care…

how could I possibly go back to not having it?

(But I kept it under wraps 🙂 )

And then our little honeymoon fantasy got tainted by real life.

Gavin started having conversations with his ex about them finally moving forward with separating into two households, and the children’s emotions came into full view.

It’s a little daunting when the bubble bursts and you realise that there are little people whose lives are going to be turned upside down.

I knew it inevitably had to happen,

but I wasn’t sure I wanted to be standing in the middle of it.

I didn’t want to be viewed by his children as the reason their parents were splitting up.

I didn’t want to take their father away from them while they were still grieving the loss of the family life they had always known.

And I certainly didn’t want to build our new life in the burning embers of his old one.

Fuck, this was messy.

(I suddenly understood first-hand why every single one of those dating coaches had said

‘don’t do it’)

We spoke about it. Gavin admitted I was his first ever online date and that he hadn’t expected to meet someone he liked so much, so quickly. At the same time, he was questioning whether his feelings for me were real or simply a reaction to receiving warmth and affection after being without it for so long. It was tough to hear…but I valued his honesty.

Ultimately, Gavin decided he wasn’t quite ready to be dating and needed to step back and focus on himself and his children first.

And thus, it ended.

Sadly, date no. 3 did not materialise.

Looking back, I think ‘me’ a couple of years ago might have taken this whole experience as proof that airing my concerns and speaking up in relationships ultimately leads to rejection.

But not an inch of me feels that way today.

To be honest, this last year of dating has felt a little dismal. I was seriously getting to the point of thinking:

“Maybe I am just destined to be single forever and eternity”

(My love tank had hit zero and was fast sinking down into the negatives.)

And then I had a summer fling with a wonderful, kind, caring man who reminded me how amazing it is to genuinely like someone and have them like you back. After so many years of being single, it was just the kick-start I needed not to give up hope. More than anything, I feel this whole experience has just left me feeling incredibly grateful.

• I was able to relish the feeling of being chosen while still holding on to my sense of self when I wasn’t.

• As much genuine attraction as there was between Gavin and me, I was also able to accept that chemistry and readiness aren’t the same thing.

• I didn’t fall into the trap of ignoring the reality while clinging to the fantasy.

• I was able to accept that our timing just sucked.

Dare I say it, I feel like I got to practice dating like a grown-up.

Of course, I do have regrets. Part of me wonders what might have happened had I stuck to my original boundary. Perhaps Gavin and I could have built a friendship first rather than diving straight into something romantic and maybe things might have unfolded differently.

(Sigh, in a world of ‘what ifs…’;-)

But then again, maybe I would have missed the whole lesson of knowing that no matter what…

I’d still be OK 😉

I have subsequently decided not to delete the dating app just yet.