Written the 28th February 2021
you know
I’d hoped
I was done for the day
no such luck
I clearly have much more to say
today in CI training
18 people in our group
for a minute and a half
I had to ‘check-in’-
give the scoop
on how I was feeling
what’s going through my mind
was there anything interesting
in the learning material assigned
I shared I was good
so much to be grateful for
but that I still couldn’t leave
my anxiety at the door
(Frankly, I always feel
like that naughty little girl
You know the one
who had the little curl
when she was good
she was very, very good
but when she was bad…
she was horrid!)
my facilitator paused
she invited me to breathe
I honestly couldn’t
I wanted off the screen
she waited quietly
I just wanted to scream
please, please all stop
staring at me
she asked me kindly
could we do a short CI session
my inner child bolted
as she asked the question
my heart in its vice
my shoulders so tight
I recognised clearly
I was caught up in
“flight”
I quickly said no
I would rather not
(I still don’t feel safe
to share with this lot
with no disrespect
to all of them
this was simply my anxiety
kicking off again)
she was very sweet
she asked who felt the same
the nods and hands up
lessened
my
shame
so, she led
a small grounding activity
with the hope of alleviating
the general anxiety
she asked us to feel
in our bodies and locate
the feelings and sensations
being showcased
(Well, that was easy
My restricted airway
The vice on my heart
THAT JUST WON’T GO AWAY)
she then asked us all
what does it want you to know
how does it protect you
what does it perhaps show
like a cricket ball
the internal words hit
I wanted to cry
it felt hard to admit
“I don’t want to be seen,
please look away
I really don’t have anything
worthy to say
I don’t want to ever
waste people’s time!”
(I’m cringing even now,
as I write this rhyme)
But another voice shouted
“That’s not true I swear
I’m constantly writing
putting myself out there”
Then a more loving voice
gently stirred
“that’s not being seen Gayle
that simply being heard
you create, you write, you constantly share
from the safety and comfort of
your Big Bear chair”
so, for now I’m left pondering
this new realisation…
an old belief that
causes so much agitation
but grateful it’s now conscious
I’ll watch it closely
I’ll stay more in tune
for when it triggers in me