Estimated reading time: 5min
I found this little story below in my journal a couple of weeks ago.
The horrible thing about becoming more aware of what is going on around you is that once you start seeing something, you can’t EVER go back to “unseeing it”
Which, honestly sometimes fucking sucks!
I wish I could unsee all the pain, heartache and sadness that so many children experience at school on a daily basis.
My work with Gabor Mate has helped me to slowly understand how this is simply a trigger for me. That a huge part of me being so sensitive to noticing these ‘mis-attunements’ and disconnections with children simply mirrors and reflects what I felt like as a child. This deep desire to help and ‘rescue’ other children who are hurting then loops back into my own anxiety.…
because I can’t stop other people’s pain,
because I can’t protect every child in the world
because essentially ….
I am powerless!
These last two years I have had these questions swimming through my mind:
How do I continue to do a job I love, with children that I adore and not get overwhelmed by their pain?
How do I stop getting angry and triggered by adults who are so blinded by their own pain that their only way of dealing with it is projecting it onto others? (Namely the kids!)
How do I grow a thicker skin?
The only answer I have found so far
(Written on 3rd December 2020)
Yesterday I was in the playground and this truly gorgeous little boy comes running up to me.
His name is Jimmy and he is 5 years old, in Reception.
Jimmy has that nervous, hyperactive energy that is a little manic and all over the place.
He quite clearly has ADHD written all over him!
Jimmy: “Do you want to come to our Sushi shop?”
Me: “Oooh I Love sushi! Yes please”
Jimmy leads the way (very proudly) to the end of the playground where about 15 children are all working in the “Sushi shop”.
They are using cones, rocks, grass and other random objects for their baking.
Jimmy runs to quickly go make me my plate of sushi which he brings over, ever so carefully, and then stands watching while I ‘eat’.
Me: “Oh goodness this is like the BEST sushi I have ever had! Did you really make this Jimmy?”
Jimmy is beaming and runs off to tell his friends.
Soon I am bombarded with all the children bringing me their personal treats.
Cheesecake
Chicken wraps.
Sushi Ice-cream.
They are delighted that I am playing with them and that I seem to be enjoying their ‘food’.
(It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to make a child smile)
After about 5 minutes of playing with them, I walk over to the teaching assistant in the playground to ask her what time I need to ring the bell for the end of playtime.
Jimmy, (clearly not wanting to lose an excellent customer) follows me.
Suddenly it seems to dawn on him: Wait a minute I might be able to get a new customer!
He runs up to the teaching assistant and eagerly asks
Do you want to come to our Sushi Shop?
While Jimmy was asking this he had a small ball and cone in his hand (connected with a string) which he was swinging around absentmindedly in his hand.
Teaching assistant: Jimmy STOP swinging that!
I watch Jimmy intently and I notice that he hasn’t even comprehended what she has said to him…..he is too excited.
Way too excited!
DO you want to come to my SUSHI shop?
Teaching Assistant: JIMMY! Stop swinging that… you are going to hurt someone!
(There isn’t a single child near Jimmy and he’s certainly not swinging it in a dangerous fashion)
Unfortunately for Jimmy the teaching assistant’s words still haven’t registered. In what can only be described as a classic example of ADHD hyperfocus Jimmy has blocked everything else out….
all he is thinking about is his Sushi shop!
In his utter determination, he blurts out for the third time!
DO you want to come to my Sushi shop?
Teaching Assistant: JIMMY STOP swinging that!!!!
Her shouting startles him and snaps him back to reality. Jimmy who has finally registered what she is asking him to do, obediently stops swinging the cone and stands with his hands limply by his side.
Ever the committed salesperson Jimmy attempts to recruit her for the 4th time.
(However this time with considerably less excitement.)
But do you want to come to my sushi shop?
Teaching Assistant:
(Snapping at him in utter irritation)
You need to do your coat up Jimmy it’s cold outside!
She helps him do his coat up and then walks away leaving him standing there. I watch as Jimmy turns around and walks to the far end of the playground, sits down by himself and bursts into tears.
Uncontrollable, heartbreaking sobs.
All Jimmy wanted was to be seen and heard.
I walked up to Jimmy and asked him if he could make me some more sushi.
He nodded through his tears but it was clear his heart was broken.
I knew I need to say something to him because frankly, the only thing worse than having your heart crushed is then having people tell you to snap out of it.
Internally I am grappling with what I could possibly say to help him to feel better..
Me: “Jimmy listens very carefully to me.
People are not always going to listen to you when you are trying to speak. But please, please remember that if they don’t listen ….that doesn’t mean you aren’t still an awesome little boy.”
“Now I want to know. Do you know how to make Chocolate Fondue Cake at your Sushi shop”
Jimmy smiled meekly and we walked back to his creative hub.
He started baking me my cake but it was evident that his heart wasn’t really in it anymore.
It was so clear that he was holding back his tears….
…but he kept baking.
Another 5 minutes later Jimmy dutifully brought me some “Sushi Chocolate cake”…..but the smile and shine was gone.
Sometimes, on days like these….
I hate my job.
