Approximate reading time: 3 min
16th February 2021
Another beautiful day,
sitting quietly on my own.
Painting random pictures
to accompany all my poems.
Listening to hours of transcripts
(therapy sessions with Gabor)
So much this man teaches
just resonates to my core.
The doorbell rings, a surprise delivery for me?
are those Blooms Flowers I see!
I rip open the box
(like a kid at Christmas.)
the note simply says.
Of course, who else could it be….
But my wonderful, amazing favourite Cuzzie!
I call him Cuzzie Bond.
(Because he is cooler than he knows.)
He’s always there to listen,
our conversations simply flow.
He is my rock, my safe place
where I can simply be and rest.
Even when I’m at my worst
he only sees my best.
So, I continue with my painting as happy as can be.
But a couple of hours later,
I notice ….dreaded anxiety.
It ekes in slowly; tightly grips my heart.
(What on earth triggered all of this to start?)
My head is spinning,
I get up for a walk.
Perhaps call someone and have a quick talk?
(Hooking into friends is a pacifier for me.
A little bit of connection always brings relief….)
But the words of Gabor run fresh through my head.
“What would it feel like to just sit with this instead?”
To not try to push the negative feelings away
(By keeping myself busy I can always keep them at bay.)
So, I walk in silence noticing my clenched heart.
It feels at times anxiety could rip it apart.
I get so stuck in my head.
(It’s my semi-permanent abode.)
Trying to always decipher the memory overload.
Nothing that’s really ever that bad.
Just hundreds of tiny memories that make me feel sad.
Worries and questions,
what does my life truly mean?
What is my purpose,
who am I meant to be?
After an hour of walking,
I head off home,
Overwhelmed by melancholy,
I feel so fucking alone.
I’m slightly irritated;
“Anxiety you’re still there?”
When suddenly it dawns on me
I’m singing a song unawares.
‘Let it be’ by The Beatles.
Let it be, let it be!
If there were ever words of wisdom…
“Let it be!”
As I take a deep breath
I am quietly reminded that
Life doesn’t come with a pre-written map!
That there are billions of people
muddling their way through
Seeking their own answers,
not always sure what to do.
I can’t change who I am,
or out-think my anxiety.
maybe all I can learn to do
is….
Let it be.
Let it be.
