Approximate reading time: 9 min

I hope you have had a good week so far.

My week has been a little bit of a manic mess.

(A far, far cry from last week!)

I have been dogsitting lovely grampa Colin while continuing to look after Bailey for 3 days, and then walking Dolly as well.

(I think three dogs is a little too much doggy energy, even for me.)

Colin lives in a beautiful house with a gorgeous communal garden that is flanked by four separate streets. Frankly, I thought that we had the most beautiful garden in the area….but how wrong I was.

This garden is absolutely stunning.

Every morning Colin does his laps which always includes a loving sniff of the daffodils!

Bailey’s greatest joy in life appears to be murdering as many daffodils as doggily possible.

I have no idea WHAT the poor daffodils ever did to her.

I love her dearly but beautiful Bailey is mildly high-maintenance with a chronic obsession with food and going for walks.

Both of which she seems to want 24/7.

This week she has been particularly “anxy” because the garden is RIGHT there!

She can see it!

It feels like she has barely slept at all this week.

Every time I look up at her she is staring at me…with THOSE eyes!

Not to mention the heartbroken whines and the

oh-so-sad little sighs.

The guilt is killing me!!!!

On Tuesday when I took Bailey and Dolly for their usual walk to the dog park Bailey was attacked by another dog!

ATTACKED I TELL YOU!!!!

I had just taken them both off their leashes and Bailey ran over to this ‘stranger‘ to have a sniff.

The stranger got really angry ….and instead of just walking away calmly my sweet little doggy child got angry back and all of a sudden we had a full-on dog fight on our hands -which frankly was a little bit petrifying.

The other owner managed to get hold of her dog….but I couldn’t grab hold of Bailey so we were going around and around in a circle with her biting the other owner’s arse while trying to get at her dog.

It would have been comical, had it not been so dam fucking scary.

Apparently, when dogs get into a fight you need to stay calm.

(I know ’cause I googled it!)

I was anything BUT calm.

I was screaming at Bailey.

She completely ignored me.

(Who knew that angelic, placid little dog could go so batshit crazy?)

It was horrible.

Especially since the dog park was pretty full that day with about 15 other dogs all off-leash.

I had visions of that dog walker who was mauled to death by her 8 dogs a couple of months ago…..something about ‘dog pack mentality’ …

I know I ‘should’ say I was 100% worried about my precious little pups

but

We managed to separate them after about a minute…..

Bailey, it appeared, seemed to be completely fine….and just stared up at me as if to say:

“I didn’t start it mum!”

“Can I go play now?”

but fucking hell….I was an anxious mess afterwards.

I apologised to the other owner

(even though my doggy child was ….umm…mostly innocent!)

It appeared that Bailey had ripped the owner’s lovely leather skirt,

she wasnt happy with me.

(Umm here’s a suggestion….maybe don’t bring your dog to an off-leash dog park if your dog doesnt know how to be nice!)

Needless to say, I didn’t get an apology.

For the rest of the week, I have felt like my entire my nervous system has been a little bit fried.

I attempted to take them both out the next day and it wasnt a fun experience.

I was too afraid to take Bailey off leash and was jumping out of my skin at every single dog that made so much as a tentative glance towards poor Bailey.

That dog park is the only place that I can take Bailey off her leash.

(Bailey’s recall is pretty much non-existent.)

I don’t want to have to keep her on the leash all the time…..

I really don’t…

But all of a sudden I have morphed into one of those anxious over-protective mothers that allow all their own fears to sabotage their children’s lives.
I am a walking cliché

*******

Random Story:

For some reason ‘all this’ has got me thinking about horses.

When I was younger

I LOVED horse riding

I probably did lessons for about 8 months

My favourite horse was called Skylark

She was big, white and beautiful……

I vaguely remember the instructor telling my mum that she was quite surprised at how well I handled such a big horse.

(I remember feeling so super proud of myself)

Proud and fearless!

That is until two things happened:

#1

I was asked by my horse riding instructor to walk a colicky horse around the farm while she went to go call the vet. I remember being given very strict instructions not to let the horse roll on the ground as this could result in his bowel getting twisted which could kill him.

(No pressure then!)

I managed to walk him for a bit but then he suddenly fell over and started rolling and twisting in agony. I remember standing there horrified….not knowing what to do and my instructor running out of her house screaming at me furiously

“I told you NOT TO LET HER ROLL!”

(Fucking hell, I was a 9-year-old little girl with a 900+ pound horse!

What did she expect me to do?)

The next week when I arrived for my lesson I found out that the horse had subsequently died.

= I was a horse killer.

I have since discovered that it is actually a myth that a horse rolling with colic will result in its bowel getting twisted, so the fact that he died, while sad, really had very little to do with me….

But at that young age,

I felt solely responsible.

#2

A couple of weeks later I witnessed another horse kick a student in the face.

It was like this lightbulb went on…

fucking hell…..

these are dangerous creatures…..

I didn’t stop straight away but the fear and the anxiety about horse riding had been planted and eventually, it got so bad I just decided to quit.

Of course, I never spoke to anyone about my anxiety….I don’t even think I even realised I had it at the time.

******

So this whole incident has just reminded me of that …..

I was so happy in my little dog-walking bubble –

where dog fights,

torn leather skirts

and angry dog owners didn’t exist.

Clearly…

This week Neurotic Angel managed to find her old bullhorn

(That I thought I had safely hidden far, far, away from her)

and her screeching has been a little deafening!

“It can happen again!”

“It’s a dangerous world out there!”

“What if you kill a dog too?”

“HIDE!!!!“

So, I have had to work a little harder at ignoring her.

My internal mother part reminds me that

I am not a 9-year-old little girl any more

that it’s perfectly normal to feel a little anxiety after something like this

and frankly,

this time,

I can handle it!

I am banking on her being right!

********

This poem should have been posted almost 2 months ago.

I was very angry when I wrote this one….

I found myself continually trying to justify and explain why I was so angry…and in the end I got so exhausted I just couldn’t bring myself to put it up.

(The cognitive dissonance at times, when putting up my poems, is tough.)

2021 Gayle feels so far away from me now…..

Of course, I could just forget her….

But I wouldn’t be where I am today without her ….

So I feel like she has a right to be heard….

All that being said, I find it interesting how it seems to be getting easier and easier to post my poems these days.

I feel more able to accept that

I am human

humans get angry

I have the right to voice my own opinions

and that others have the right not to agree with them…

Written 23rd February 2021

Why is it ever, ever okay

For us to judge others

say they’ve lost their way

Why is it ever, ever OK

for you to label me a sinner

whose life is in disarray

Why is it ever, ever okay

To list YOUR truth

& completely deny

all that I’ve ever

felt deep inside?

A benevolent power

that radiates pure love

He never gets angry

He has no need to judge

He doesn’t struggle with feelings

of jealousy

(Wouldn’t that make him a human

just like me?)

A loving power,

that accepts us as we are

Who holds us close

(even if we stray far)

Yes, he is all-knowing

but gives us free will

Granting us the freedom

our own happiness to fulfil.

I don’t believe in a God

which plays chess with our lives

Who pokes and pry’s

and discreetly contrives

I believe in a universal spirit

who believes in me

Who witnesses quietly

but rarely intervenes

When I feel broken or weak

My emotions overswept

When all I feel in my heart

is complete disconnect.

I write

I meditate

I simply do what I need

to knock down that shell

that separates me

From pure love and acceptance

(That is all around)

that in every tiny cell

of my body can be found

We are all one

one of the same.

Pure loving energy

through each one of us reigns

Like a billion tiny droplets

that make the brilliant blue sea

This is how I view God’s

connection with me

I’ve been told more times

than I can ever recall

that I’m wrong

& I simply don’t know God at all.

I’ve been told so many bizarre things

throughout the years

(I’ll admit some have actually

left me in tears)

I’ve been likened to a girl

possessed by an evil spirit

(Thank you for your opinion

but doesn’t that make you a bigot?)

Or how about…

“When you have kids

you will come back to the light “

Like clearly without kids,

I have no say or no rights ….

…to follow my soul,

make my own choice

I never had a retort

But I’ve finally found my voice.

So, I’m writing this now

to finally say

We all experience God

in our own unique way

If you would prefer to be an ideologue

and pass judgement on me

for holding beliefs

on which you don’t agree ….

Then do as you wish

But please know that I am fine

Living this beautiful, sinful

life of mine.