Approximate reading time: 7 min

Written on 22nd February 2021

But for you

I woke up this morning, a hint of summer in the air.

Feeling frozen as I looked, out the window and stared.

You were in my dream; it was your birthday.

I came to give you a hug, you turned and walked away.

I felt so rejected, lost and alone.

For so many years you’ve been the closest to home.

I know in my head, you would never do that.

You are in my corner, you always have my back.

But as the sadness swims around in my head.

I decided to create something happy instead.

To use all this emotion, and write a short poem.

You’ve been my green light! Encouraged me as I’ve grown

You sit quietly and listen, when I initially ramble on.

You don’t rush me, look bored, you wait until I’m done!

You have created a safe space, where I feel contained.

Where my feelings matter, I never need to explain.

You always see my goodness,

(even when I’m a sobbing mess)

When I sit with you, my soul feels at rest.

You sift through my anger, help me decipher the cause.

You’re always happy to see me, you never focus on my flaws.

You listen to the nuances, in all that I say.

You gently notice beliefs, that might be getting in my way.

I never feel judged. I can say what’s on my mind.

You’ve given me the tools to work through my own binds.

When I look at who I was, when I first came through that door.

I felt so utterly broken, so lost to the core.

I’ve grown so much, and healed my heart.

Without you, would I ever have known where to even start?

One day I know I’ll need to let you go,

but before that happens…I want you to know:

My drug of choice

Second poem today, emotions still not out,

let’s see what this one will end up being about.

I’ve lived the last couple of months, as happy as can be,

overwhelming bliss just engulfing me.

I’ve been scoring my days, they got an eight and nine.

It’s been awesome to feel contained, for so much of the time.

Yes, I’ve had sad days,

(occasionally)

but nothing that ever really got away from me.

But the last two weeks have been so incredibly hard.

My heart feels broken into a tiny zillion shards.

So many emotions flying around me,

it’s so hard at times to simply let them be.

I only want ‘good’ feelings.

(I can’t deal with all the rest)

Those ‘others’ hold me back, from being my very best.

So I crawl out of bed to go make a cup of tea,

with “those other horrible emotions ” a blanket of lead over me.

I started to cry, I just wanted a hug.

Dormant fury erupted

at this fucking Corona bug!

It’s been too long now, I’m exhausted from being strong.

So sick of everything just feeling so very wrong!!!

I sat down to doodle, some random poetry.

Wrote a poem for my therapist, who has so encouraged me.

A small hit of gratitude shoots through my veins…

without his help throughout these years.…

would I still be the same?

I feel a little better, I start to contemplate,

all who have supported me with my see-saw mental state.

A whole handful, of loving, trusted, caring friends

with whom I can be authentic, no need to ever pretend.

They too don’t judge, they allow me to simply just feel.

They stand by my side, and cheer me on as I heal.

Perhaps the simple purpose of writing poetry,

Is to generate gratitude when I disconnect from me?

I admit these days poetry feels better than any drug.

Perhaps it won’t last, maybe I’ll run out of words?

But gratitude in this moment, for poetry that calms my nerves.

C.o.n.t.a.i.n.m.e.n.t

I’m back yet again, poem number three,

random memories triggering me.

I sat in the garden, with a friend one day,

watching her husband with her son romp and play.

Housing around, as only boys will do.

I watched intently, as the tension slowly grew.

Her husband being bigger, always had the upper hand.

Never allowing the boy a fighting chance to even stand.

I saw the child’s anger, starting to upload,

until at last, he was simply ready to explode.

He blew up with such rage and poisonous bile.

Her husband taunted.

“Don’t be such a child!”

The boy burst into tears, no longer wanting to stay,

but his father grabbed him, and continued to play.

I sat frozen, in utter shock and disbelief.

Witnessing this, just triggered so much internal grief.

My friend looked at me, winked with a wide grin:

“Boys will be boys”.

She simply said through the loud din.

Her words came out, so gregariously

“What the fuck?

Seriously?”

Your husband is not a boy

and your boy is not a man.

Why is that so difficult for you to understand?

Your child is crying, in anger to be seen.

To have his frustrations validated,

for someone to intervene.

I have a million memories,

like this in my brain.

Uploaded memories,

of children’s emotional pain.

They are absorbed in my subconscious.

and never seem to go away.

So much guilt for not speaking up.

Saying what I needed to say.

But I guess I’m saying it now,

slowly getting my frustrations out.

I am recognising my triggers,

that make my inner child

want to shout:

“See me, See me

validate me please!

Allow my emotions,

to simply just be.

Nothing in this world

Would mean more to me, than

having you in tuned

with what’s happening with me.

I’m just a small child.

a zillion emotions, I see.

I need you to be the container.

that safely envelops me.

Be the safe place.

where I can land.

hold me close,

tell me you understand.

Because if you can model this calmness

in the eyes of ‘my’ storm

I promise you my own container.

will start to form.

If I grow up being seen

and truly valued in your eyes.

you will put me on that road

to self-actualise.”