I lost my dad in 2010 and my mother in 2016. In 2016, 8 months before my mother past away we lost Anna. Anna started working for our family before I was born and in many ways, she was my second mother. I wrote about my grief in a post in 2018.

Apparently, I wasnt done!

Neurotic Angel routinely berates me for not being over it already!

“For the love of God it’s been 8 years!!!!!”

But I miss them.

I miss them so much, sometimes it physically hurts.

I realise that the grief of losing my parents is inexplicably entwined with my grief of not having my own family. Some days I have no idea how to untangle the sticky emotional strings that all seem to be tangled up together in knots.

So all I can do is just write.

(Written 3 February 2020)

O.r.d.i.n.a.r.y M.o.m.e.n.t.s

In my dreams, you appeared to me,

I woke up this morning; I remembered all three.

Anna, you came and asked me to move the car.

Mummy had complained I’d parked too far.

Always the bratty, irritated teenager

I snapped at Anna like she was a stranger.

Anna looked shocked, hurt, maybe sad.

She wandered away slowly to go call my dad.

Then Dad came out that gentle soul,

“Love mom needs you parked closer up the hill.

There’s been a break-in at the church,

we need to move the money while we go on a search!

Reluctantly I started to slowly drive,

simply no recognition: “My God they’re alive!”

Dad walks ahead it’s clear he has aged.

This massive hill creates our stage.

The car gets stuck, I call out to him.

Dad grabs the front bumper and pulls me in.

We reached the church, I’m petrified!

I embarrassed mum I want to hide.

Suddenly, the attitude and bravery are gone,

Just a little, lost girl, not feeling so strong.

I opened the door hesitant to gauge,

the level of her familial rage.

But Mom stands there, it pains me to see,

She is not the woman she used to be.

She is softer, gentler, deep sadness shows

Her eyes so desperately want me to know

For so many years she’d clung to the dream

of having a daughter just like me.

They say when you dream.

of loved ones passed on.

It’s their souls that are visiting,

to remind you they’re not gone.

But why don’t we dream of meadows and trees,

picturesque lakes and breath-taking seas?

Laughs, warm hugs, chats and fun,

safe in the embrace of our loved ones?

Of course, you know it’s never like that.

just ordinary moments (and me acting like a brat!)

Why am I never the person that I am now?

Instead of that temperamental teenage cow.

I am usually so rude no awareness they’re dead.

I wake up in the morning with a heart full of lead.

It honestly feels like my heart wants to break.

I only wish I could have a conscious retake!

I’d throw my arms around them; give them the biggest love.

Tell them I’m sorry and that they were enough.

Maybe one day I’ll have more control of my dreams.

I’ll make them more loving! (I’ll put that in my stream)

We will hold hands and talk,

like we never did before.

I will be conscious and knowing when they knock on my door.

I’ll hold out in my heart for that day,

but in this very moment I just want to say:

I love you; I miss you you’re always in my heart,

thank you for loving me and playing your part.