Approximate reading time: 6 minutes
I have to say 2023 is panning out pretty well so far:-)
It hit me this week that I am actually posting again. After almost 2 years of radio silence and never feeling like I would be able to EVER post anything EVER again…..
I am mildly elated!
Plus my anxiety has been minimal!
I’m cured!
It’s a miracle I tell you!!
(Of course, it helps that I haven’t been in any schools for just over a month;-)
***********************
So I wrote all of the above on Sunday…….
That would be a perfect example of what we could call:
“Famous last words!”
Unfortunately, the rest of that post needed to be ditched or saved for another day!
(Cause frankly I need to moan!)
I honestly had the worst day at school yesterday.
I cried the whole way home on the bus,
more from pure rage than anything else.
When I got home I wrote a super angry fucking poem…..
(which no doubt only be posted neeeeext year some time!
I’m trying not to ‘piss in my playground’…so to speak….)
I woke up this morning,
I raged some more in my journal,
I meditated.
All I needed to do was send my agent a message saying
“I am ready to teach today!”
I just couldn’t do it!
In case you haven’t figured it out yet!
I hate schools…..
Those are strong, judgmental words I know…..
But I do…..
I think I am finally starting to reach the end of my “school patience quota!”
(I know, I know I have been complaining about schools for years!!!
Even I am bored!)
I envision
a future Gayle
who is super calm
and has nothing but
……for all those ‘not nice‘ people in schools’.
(However, she is too far away in the faaaaaar off distance for me to even see her right now!)
I know that there are good schools out there,
where the staff are respected and treated with consideration and kindness
and the toxic people who love raging and belittling kids have all been filtered out.
(I am currently not working at one of them)
Then again, maybe it’s not the schools?
Maybe it’s just me!
I’m happy to go with that!!!
It’s just me!
So I’m sitting on my couch this morning, willing myself to send the dam message…. while every cell in my body is screaming :
“Nooooooooooooooooooooooo don’t do it!!!!!“
I open up the babysitting app for the childcare agency that I joined over three months ago.
I have yet to apply for a single job….
(I’m not sure why I have been stalling for so long?)
I tried to accept a job but the stupid app kept freezing on me.
(It’s a sign I tell you.)
The universe wants me to stay at home and write!
2 minutes late a new job pops in for the whole day looking after a toddler.
I accept it.
The app works.
(It’s another sign, the universe changed her mind!)
I got to play, laugh and have fun with the most gorgeous, sweetest two-year-old little girl called Emmeline and her adorable Cavalier King Charles Spaniel called ‘Snuffle’.
I have never doggy sat one of them before but apparently, this breed has been nicked named the ‘love sponge’ dog.
They truly are so loveable and ‘Snuffle’ would have just sat on my lap the whole day, had I not been running aound after a tiny energade bunny.
(Can I just add, I have a new found respect for all parents out there!)
I attempted to try and take a photo of Snuffle
(so I could evidence her cuteness)
but my plan was slightly foiled by a mildly jealous 2-year-old who quickly ran and plonked herself down in front of ‘Bubble!’
(She can’t say “Snuffle!” yet)
Em can’t speak (yet) but her message was loud and clear
“Let’s get this straight!
I AM the cute one”
Poor ‘Snuffle/Bubble’ didn’t stand a chance.
In fairness to Em, she was adorable too.
l got to take her to her ‘Toddler Ballet class’, which was just too cute for words.
(I wish I could have taken photos of all these tiny little souls in pink tutu’s)
I made a new friend who is also a nanny and a dog walker…(And half South African!)
….we couldnt stop laughing at her ‘little person‘, who wore a black tutu and was dancing around like she was the reincarnation of Anna Pavlova!!!
It was such a great day!!
I am officially a NANNY!!!!
Written the 28 February 2021
Wake up!!!!!
6.15 am on a Sunday morn.
Why am I awake?
I wonder with a yawn.
These bloody words,
swimming through my head.
“Get up, Get up!
Get out of bed!”
Why? What is it,
that you need to say?
” Oh, nothing particular.
I just want to play!“
But I painted and wrote,
Till 9pm last night!!!
Surely that’s enough?
I ask contrite.
“No, nooo
“there’s so much more
273000 words still left to explore!!!!!”
“Poetry”
You’re exhausting,
do you know that??
“Oh, shut it, grab your pen!
Come let’s chat!”
OK I’m up!
What is it you want to say?
“Oh, nothing much…
But isn’t it a beautiful day?”
Um yes it is….
Now can I go back to sleep?
“Hell Nooooooo
I’m way more fun,
than counting stupid sheep!”
Alright, that’s true,
I cannot deny,
playing with you always puts me on a high.
But now that we are chatting…
May I inquire?
Why it is you’re suddenly so inspired?
Where have you been?
for the last 45 years?
You could have saved,
me buckets of tears!!
” Good question!
Of course, I’ll happily oblige.
I’ve been with you,
waiting patiently
inside!
You had so much shit,
and sadness to work through.
You had to find the strength,
to finally love you.
You needed 9 months.
of pure unadulterated
bliss,
to align your soul,
fix the ‘I’m broke’.
abyss
So, I waited unwavering
all those years,
you needed to cry.
those oceans of tears”
OK, I get it now,
that makes sense.
I needed to learn to be a little less
intense???
” Umm, you…NOT intense?
Ha-ha let me see.
Nope, you will always be,
a little bat-shit-crazy.
The true difference now,
(As far as I can see)
You have embraced acceptance,
learnt to let things just be.
You are allowing yourself,
to be present every day.
And that was my invitation,
to come out and play.”
Right.
So, if I am creative now,
And I was happy then….
Why do I struggle with,
so much anxiety again?
“You know the answer to this,
(you do!)
But I’ll happily explain it
(yet AGAIN!) to you.
Because you took the time
to create a cocoon.
A beautiful safe space
where your heart could bloom.
You knew what you needed,
(Just for a while.)
You embraced covid time.
To become less emotionally labile.
You then felt strong enough
to step back into the world.
Attempting slowly,
a new life to build.
I’m so proud of you
for taking the chance
To teach full-time,
to have your own class.
No use having wings,
strong and beautiful,
if you’re not going to take them
out for a twirl.
It takes courage to fly,
Let yourself be seen.
And at times the price will be…
anxiety.
But you are so much stronger.
than you will ever know,
I’m so proud of your deep diving,
your determination to grow.
But here’s the absolute very best part,
so please remember to always remind your heart!
I’M HERE! I’M HERE!
I’m here now to stay.
Isn’t that wonderful?
Doesn’t that just…
make your day??????”
I sigh, and smile.
I’ll agree it does.
Sometimes you make me feel like
I’m in love.
“But you are in love, silly!
You are in love with you!
Don’t you think,
it’s such a long time overdue?”
OK thank you” Poetry”.
it has been fun to create.
Permission to sleep.
” Fuck no, now go…
MEDITATE!!!!!!!”
