Approximate reading time: 6 minutes
I have to say 2023 is panning out pretty well so far:-)
It hit me this week that I am actually posting again. After almost 2 years of radio silence and never feeling like I would be able to EVER post anything EVER again…..
I am mildly elated.
Plus my anxiety has been minimal.
I’m cured!
It’s a miracle I tell you!
(Of course, it helps that I haven’t been in any schools for just over a month;-)
***********************
So I wrote all of the above on Sunday…….
That would be a perfect example of what we could call:
“Famous last words!”
Unfortunately, the rest of that post needed to be ditched or saved for another day.
(Cause frankly I need to moan.)
I honestly had the worst day at school yesterday.
I cried the whole way home on the bus,
more from pure rage than anything else.
When I got home I wrote a super angry fucking poem…..
(which no doubt only be posted neeeeext year some time.
I’m trying not to ‘piss in my playground’…so to speak….)
I woke up this morning,
I raged some more in my journal,
I meditated.
All I needed to do was send my agent a message saying
“I am ready to teach today!”
I just couldn’t do it
In case you haven’t figured it out yet!
I hate schools…..
Those are strong, judgmental words I know…..
But I do…..
I think I am finally starting to reach the end of my “school patience quota”
(I know, I know I have been complaining about schools for years.
Even I am bored!)
I envision
a future Gayle
who is super calm
and has nothing but
……for all those ‘not nice‘ people in schools’.
(However, she is too far away in the faaaaaar off distance for me to even see her right now!)
I know that there are good schools out there,
where the staff are respected and treated with consideration and kindness
and the toxic people who love raging and belittling kids have all been filtered out.
(I am currently not working at one of them)
Then again, maybe it’s not the schools?
Maybe it’s just me.
I’m happy to go with that.
It’s just me!
So I’m sitting on my couch this morning, willing myself to send the dam message…. while every cell in my body is screaming:
“Nooooooooooooooooooooooo don’t do it!!!!!“
I open up the babysitting app for the childcare agency that I joined over three months ago.
I have yet to apply for a single job….
(I’m not sure why I have been stalling for so long?)
I tried to accept a job but the stupid app kept freezing on me.
(It’s a sign I tell you.)
The universe wants me to stay at home and write.
2 minutes late a new job pops in for the whole day looking after a toddler.
I accept it.
The app works.
(It’s another sign, the universe changed her mind!)
I got to play, laugh and have fun with the most gorgeous, sweetest two-year-old little girl called Emmeline and her adorable Cavalier King Charles Spaniel called ‘Snuffle’.
I have never doggy sat one of them before but apparently, this breed has been nicked named the ‘love sponge’ dog.
They truly are so loveable and ‘Snuffle’ would have just sat on my lap the whole day, had I not been running around after a tiny Energizer Bunny.
(Can I just add, I have a new found respect for all parents out there)
I attempted to try and take a photo of Snuffle
(so I could evidence her cuteness)
but my plan was slightly foiled by a mildly jealous 2-year-old who quickly ran and plonked herself down in front of ‘Bubble!’
(She can’t say “Snuffle!” yet)
Em can’t speak (yet) but her message was loud and clear
“Let’s get this straight!
I AM the cute one”
Poor ‘Snuffle/Bubble’ didn’t stand a chance.
In fairness to Em, she was adorable too.
l got to take her to her ‘Toddler Ballet class’, which was just too cute for words.
(I wish I could have taken photos of all these tiny little souls in pink tutu’s)
I made a new friend who is also a nanny and a dog walker…
(And half South African!)
….we couldnt stop laughing at her ‘little person‘, who wore a black tutu and was dancing around like she was the reincarnation of Anna Pavlova!!!
It was such a great day!!
I am officially a NANNY!!!!
Written the 28 February 2021
Wake up!!!!!
6.15 am
On a Sunday morn
Why am I awake
I wonder with a yawn
These bloody words
Swimming through my head
“Get up, Get up!
Get out of bed!”
Why?
What is it
What do you need to say
” Oh, nothing particular
I just want to play!“
But I painted and wrote,
Till 9pm last night
Surely that’s enough
I ask contrite.
“No, nooo
“There’s so much more
273000 words
Still left to explore!”
“Poetry”
You’re exhausting
Do you know that
“Oh, shut it, grab your pen!
Get up let’s chat!”
OK I’m up
What is it you want to say
“Oh, nothing much…
But isn’t it a beautiful day?”
Um yes it is….
Now can I go back to sleep
“Hell Nooooooo
I’m more fun than counting sheep!”
Alright, that’s true
I cannot deny
Playing with you always puts me on a high
But now that we are chatting…
May I inquire?
Why it is you’re suddenly
So damn inspired
Where have you been
For the last 45 years
You could have saved me
Buckets of tears
” Good question
Of course, I’ll happily oblige
I’ve been with you
Waiting patiently inside
You had so much shit
And sadness to work through
You had to find the strength
To finally love you
You needed 9 months
Of pure unadulterated bliss
To align your soul
Fix the ‘I’m broke’ abyss
So, I waited unwavering
All those years
You needed to cry
Those oceans of tears”
OK, I get it now
That makes sense
I needed to learn to be a little
Less intense
” Umm, you…NOT intense?
Ha-ha let me see
Nope, I’m afraid you’re terminally
A little bat-shit-crazy
The true difference now
(As far as I can see)
You have embraced acceptance
Learned to let things just be
You are allowing yourself
To be present every day
And that was my invitation
To come out and play.”
Right
So, if I am creative now
And I was happy then….
Why do I struggle with
So much anxiety again?
“You know the answer to this,
(You do!)
But I’ll happily explain it
Yet AGAIN to you
Because you took the time
To create a cocoon
A beautiful safe space
Where your heart could bloom
You knew what you needed
(Just for a while)
You embraced covid time
To become less emotionally labile
You then felt strong enough
To step back into the world
Attempting slowly
A new life to build
I’m so proud of you
For taking the chance
To teach full-time
To have your own class
No use having wings
Strong and beautiful
If you’re not going to take them
Out for a twirl
It takes courage to fly
Let yourself be seen
And at times your price
Will be anxiety
But you are so much stronger
Than you will ever know
I’m so proud of your deep diving
Your determination to grow
But here’s the absolute very best part
So please remember to always remind your heart
I’M HERE!
I’M HERE!
I’m here now to stay
Isn’t that wonderful
Doesn’t that just…
Make your day”
I sigh, and smile
I’ll agree it does
Sometimes you make me feel like
I’m falling in love
“But you are in love, silly
You are in love with you
Don’t you think
It’s such a long time overdue?”
OK thank you “Poetry”.
It has been fun to create
Permission to sleep
” Fuck no, now …
MEDITATE!”
