Approximate reading time: 7 min

Written on 22nd February 2021

But for you

I woke up this morning

A hint of summer in the air

Feeling frozen as I looked

Out the window and stared

You were in my dream

It was your birthday

I came to give you a hug

You turned and walked away

I felt so rejected

Lost and alone

For so many years you’ve been

The closest to home

I know in my head

You would never do that

You are in my corner

You always have my back

But as the sadness swims

Around in my head

I decided to create something

Happy instead

To use all this emotion

And write a short poem

You’ve been my green light

Encouraged me as I’ve grown

You sit quietly and listen

When I initially ramble on

You don’t rush me, look bored

You wait until I’m done

You have created a safe space

Where I feel contained

Where my feelings matter

I never need to explain

You always see my goodness

(even when I’m a sobbing mess)

When I sit with you

My soul feels at rest

You sift through my anger

Help me decipher the cause

You’re always happy to see me

You never focus on my flaws

You listen to the nuances

In all that I say

You gently notice beliefs

That might be getting in my way

I never feel judged

I can say what’s on my mind

You’ve given me the tools

To work through my own binds

When I look at who I was

When I first came through that door

I felt so utterly broken

So lost to the core

I’ve grown so much

Slowly healing my heart

Without you, would I ever

Have known where to start

One day I know

I’ll need to let you go

But before that happens…

I want you to know:

My drug of choice

I’ve lived the last couple of months

As happy as can be

Overwhelming bliss

Engulfing me

I’ve been scoring my days

They got an eight and nine

It’s been awesome to feel contained

For so much of the time

Yes, I’ve had sad days

(occasionally)

But nothing that ever

Really got away from me

But the last two weeks

Have been so incredibly hard

My heart feels broken

Into a tiny zillion shards

So many emotions

Flying around me

It’s so hard at times

To simply let them be

I only want ‘good’ feelings

(I can’t deal with all the rest)

Those ‘others’ hold me back

From being my very best

So I crawl out of bed

To go make a cup of tea

With “those horrible emotions “

A blanket of lead over me

I started to cry

I just wanted a hug

Dormant fury erupted

At this fucking Corona bug

It’s been too long now

I’m exhausted from being strong

So sick of everything

Just feeling so very wrong

I sat down to doodle

Some random poetry

Wrote a poem for my therapist

Who has so encouraged me

A small hit of gratitude

Shoots through my veins…

Without his help throughout these years.…

Would I still be the same

I feel a little better

I start to contemplate

All who have supported me

With my see-saw mental state

A whole handful, of loving

Trusted, caring friends

With whom I can be authentic

No need to ever pretend

They too don’t judge

They allow me

To simply just feel

They stand by my side

They cheer me on as I heal

Perhaps the simple purpose

Of writing poetry

Is to generate gratitude

When I disconnect from me

I admit these days

Poetry feels better than any drug

A way for my soul

To generate its own internal hug

Perhaps it won’t last

Maybe I’ll run out of words

But gratitude in this moment

For poetry that calms my nerves.

C.o.n.t.a.i.n.m.e.n.t

I’m back yet again

Poem number three

Random old memories

Once more triggering me

I sat in the garden

With a friend one day

Watching her husband and son

Romp around and play

Housing around

As only boys will do

I watched intently

As the tension slowly grew

Her husband being bigger

Always had the upper hand

Never allowing the boy

A fighting chance to even stand

I saw the child’s anger

Starting to upload

Until at last, he was simply

Ready to explode

He blew up with such rage

And poisonous bile

Her husband taunted

“Don’t be such a child!”

The boy then burst into tears

No longer wanting to stay

But his father grabbed hold

And continued to play

I sat there frozen

In utter shock and disbelief

Witnessing this, just triggered

So much internal grief

My friend looked at me

Winked with a wide grin:

“Boys will be boys”

She said through the loud din

Her words came out

So gregariously

“What the fuck?

Seriously?”

Your husband is not a boy

And your boy is not a man

Why is that so difficult

For you to understand?

Your child is crying

In anger to be seen

To have his frustrations validated

For someone to intervene

I have a million memories

Like this stored in my brain

Uploaded memories

Of children’s emotional pain

They are absorbed in my subconscious

They never seem to go away

So much guilt for not speaking up

Saying what I needed to say

But I guess I’m saying it now

Slowly getting my frustrations out

I am recognising my triggers

That make my inner child

want to shout

“See me, See me

Validate me please

Allow my emotions

To simply just be

Nothing in this world

Would mean more to me, than

Having you in tuned

With what’s happening with me

I’m just a small child

A zillion emotions, I see

I need you to be the container

That safely envelops me

Be the safe place

Where I can land

Hold me close

Please say you understand

Because if you can model this calmness

In the eyes of ‘my’ storm

I promise you my own container

Will start to form

If I grow up being seen

And truly valued in your eyes.

You will put me on that road

To self-actualise.”