Hellooooo😘
So I have spent the 6 days trying to figure out the best way to write my follow up post to builders warehouseman (aka Man X).
Ok I know I said I wasn’t going to write about all my dating sagas but seriously, sometimes my life is like a soap opera and the only way to clean up the mess is to rewrite the script. My writing does this for me…..it clears my headspace and helps me move on graciously… (Plus I love telling stories so it keeps me happy🤗).
As I love blogging (am going to call it that for now, even though I haven’t moved over to an official blog space yet – it is a work in progress👍 )….there is a fine line between my privacy and other people’s privacy that I am always conscious of. How to tell your story but at the same time not cause any shame or hurt “should” the person in your story ever happen to read it…can sometimes be tricky. This has been one of those cases. So I’m going to do my best…
Builder’s warehouseman did end up messaging me. I was absolutely delighted.💃 During our initial chat, I jokingly said it would be lovely to see him again. He immediately asked what I was doing that evening? (Wohooo the prospect of having an actual bonified date was almost more than I could bear. ) I mentioned I had a toastmasters toast to write, but it wasn’t something I couldn’t put off till tomorrow if I were to get a better offer. (Nothing subtle about that😳 ….I am sure there is a ‘dating’ rule somewhere about not being too eager… but I have never been very good at following rules or playing it ‘cool’😎.)
Man X messaged back to say cool he was on his way to a friend’s house for dinner.
Um….ok… (Dam I wish I had of played it cool🙄 .)
At about 9 o’clock he messaged to ask what time my bedtime was….I still wasn’t finished my writing (In honesty, the only writing I had actually done that night was my post🙈) so I said 9.30 but might be later as I was still writing.
He then went on a little rampage about how beautiful the sea was tonight…..something about …ummm it being dark and the waves being rough! (huh?)
Didn’t quite understand what he was talking about… (Was he drunk?)
So I asked him to elaborate a little more.
Man X: ….”Was thinking whisky and beach? You in?”
Was I in?
Hhmmmm..🤔.let me think about that….um no.
My heart sank a little. 12 years of on/off online dating and 8 years prior to that, of travelling by myself have taught me some basic self-care tips. Not going to get drunk on the beach with a random stranger is definitely top of my list… (Since I have been about 24 years old.)
Me: “No sorry. Definitely not a first date thing…”
I then got called “boring builders warehouse pole dancing chick” mmmm…. I assume he thought that was funny….but alas I was tired and I had found my sense of humour had magically dried up as quickly as that bottle of whisky might soon do.
(If you classify me boring because I love my job and can’t stand anything worse than being hung-over or overtired while working with my kiddies….then boring I will happily be…..I think the last time I drank on a school night was in my late 20’s. My students are my priority during the week.
He then said he was ‘dodgy’ but not ‘ that dodgy he couldn’t take a girl to a secluded beach for a drink……not a date!
Um ok, let me think about this again…..🤔🤔
Yip still no.
What he didn’t seem to be factoring in was:
a) Girl doesn’t want to go.
b) Girl thinks he might have her confused with a future version of herself that he has actually known for longer than 8 hours.
c) Girl wouldn’t go to beach in SA, at night, even if she did know you ….she has a little more common sense than that.
So I politely said I needed to finish my work and we could chat later. (Internal dialogue more along the lines of “Or hopefully never”)
Then sat staring at my first ‘Builders
“Nooooooo you will post the bloody thing dammit all….it’s NOT about him! It’s about you being brave and facing your fears which you did!!! “
And seeing as my writing has now become my baby it was almost impossible for me to just file it away somewhere. So I posted it.
The next morning I got a good morning text from Man X which got a perfunctory response from me and we chatted a bit during the day. (0k So I felt a little bad for him…)
Random story: On recounting this story today to my super, hot Pilates instructor, Thomas. (Love you Thomas😂) quipped at this point
Thomas: You know you are too compassionate!
Me: “I knoooow right …I’m like Mother Teresa!!😇”
Thomas: “lol you do realise, Gayle that Mother Teresa was a nun hey? Maybe you shouldn’t compare yourself to her.”
I’m not quite sure what he was referring to? I have virgin like qualities you know Thomas!!….
So yes my compassionate side kicked in and I kind of wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt…he had after all been out with friends that night, maybe he had been a little drunk🙄 (God knows I have done some horrendously stupid things when drunk in the past🤐😌) …..”Don’t be too quick to judge Gayle!!!!!”
It was about 2 pm, I was sitting reading a message when he said something and it was literally like a lightning bolt⚡⚡ of recognition. When we stood in builders warehouse trying to figure out why or how we both knew each other…..alas it wasn’t due to us being long-awaited twin-flamed-soul-mates finally finding each other….I have actually met him before.🙈 He is the ex of one of my friends. Was consequently mortified!!! Am jumping around the room going “Oh my God!! Oh my God nooooooo!! “Constance is beside herself with worry….I think she thought someone had died. So I ask him if it is true and he said yes, and he too suddenly remembers the one time we met. I very quickly tell him I am not interested in perusing anything further as I DO not want to be involved in this.
He keeps trying to persuade me that it is over between them…which I get, but it still feels wrong on so many levels especially since I know how heartbroken my friend was.
To be fair it might not have been that easy to make this decision so decisively if it weren’t for that damn bottle of whisky the night before. Now it seemed like a bit of a no-brainer. But it’s a bit awkward to actually say that to him…..
Then he sends me this message:
“Gayle, for the record – I’m not keen on anything apart from friendship. I am very focused on work and am too busy for anything in the relationship game.”
Thank you universe! Something I could work with.
For the last couple of years, I have been following an awesome dating blog by a guy called Evan Marc Katz. Self proclaimed dating coach for strong, successful women (wohooo that’s me!💪💪) Evan continually preaches that in the dating world we ladies should learn to look for those red flags and “believe the negatives.”
If a guy says he doesn’t believe in marriage (and you do) Believe him!
If a guy says he doesn’t want children (and you do) Believe him!
And if a guy says he isn’t ready for a relationship! (And you are) Believe him!
You see the problem, so often when we are dating, especially when we really like someone, is we fall into this comfortable habit of denial and lying to ourselves about the things that they might say to us. i.e.
“Oh he will change his mind I’m sure.”
“He just needs time.”
“ He just hasn’t met the right woman yet “ (Im so going to be the right woman!!!)
“Once he sorts out X, Y and Z …I am sure he will feel differently about this”
And all too sadly this is how so many of us waste so much time with wrong men, living in this perpetual state of hope ….and then years down the line we are suddenly devasted when “oh my God, it dawns on us…..um he really doesn’t want kids! Shit! “ And then we blame the man, when frankly he was honest with us from the start…and we just chose NOT to believe ‘the negatives’.
Now don’t get me wrong. There are of course always exceptions to the rule….as the movie “He is just not into you” so beautifully depicts. Almost every romantic comedy is based on these exceptions….and yes they do happen. And yes they make such beautiful romantic stories. Girl hangs in there for 15 years and eventually gets her engagement ring. These exceptions, I believe, also happen more frequently when people get together when they are younger. You change so much in your 20’s to your 30’s and yes you might feel nothing about waiting for 5 years for the right guy to sort out his career and feel more ready for genuine commitment. I applaud those stories.
You see here in lies my problem. As a hopeless romantic I wasted a good ….um couple of years (too many to even mention here) waiting for my “suspected” soul mate to wake up and realise I was the right person for him. I mean I knew it from the day I met him….shame, he just needed more time.😕🙈Sadly I came to my senses at the ripe old age of 35 that he would never realise it, probably because…he never was it! (Hard lesson learnt). So now I’m 43 years old and quite frankly I don’t have any more time to waste on a man that isn’t even sure if he even wants to be in a relationship yet. I kind of need someone that’s at least at the same basic starting point as me. What intensified my belief in this was that Man X had said the exact same thing to my friend when they were together. I remember feeling slightly heartbroken for her when she told me this….she was a wonderful woman who had dedicated her life to helping others and she seriously deserved a high-value man that wanted to commit to and be with her in every sense. It hurt her deeply that he wasn’t able to offer her what she truly desired and yet, sadly she still accepted it. For me saying that you aren’t ready for a relationship is paramount to saying: “I don’t quite feel enough yet, but one day soon I will feel enough”.
Man ex-seemed a little perturbed as he kept saying he was just being ‘honest’ with me. I told him, I genuinely appreciated his honesty…..but I was also just being honest about where I was coming from. I have done my hard time. I’ve put in years of work. Quite frankly I finally feel like I am enough…with or without a partner. I am no longer operating from a sense of lack. I am more than ready to share my life with someone who is on the same page as me and ready to start a new chapter. But I am not willing to spend even a nanosecond of my time waiting for another man who isn’t quite sure if he is, or isn’t even ready for a relationship, especially when I truly believe there are plenty of other good, high-value men out there that genuinely are ready. 🤗
Moving on!🚶🚶🚶🚶🚶🚶🚶🚶
Eish, don’t you just love single life!!💆🙆🙋👌
Thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post….my” inner goth” is smiling😂
Lots of love
💖😘🤗💃💃💐🐝🌷
Ps Thomas see I knew I could get you to read a post👍🤗